Dear Roleen,
Last week my four year old and I attended a birthday party in our friend’s backyard and my son pulled his pants down in order to show his penis! Yikes! After some investigating, my son told me that his friend did it first asking, “Who wants to see my penis?” He apparently then pulled down his pants. Upon that, two more boys did the same. My son was one of them. There were two girls present, one of whom found her mom and told her what was going on. I went out and pulled my son aside, got the full story, and proceeded to talk to him about what was appropriate behavior. I truly believe my son did not think he was doing anything bad. He seemed quite shocked at being told that this was not okay to do. My husband and I have visited the occasion twice (trying to avoid no shaming him) reminding him about what we do in private. I also called all the parents who had kids involved and followed up. ARRR! Is this normal? My pediatrician says it is but that I need to be clear with my son about where and when it is okay to be naked. My son follows his peers so easily. I’m a little worried! How do I give him a clear message about not doing what everyone else does?
Signed,
Mom of an exhibitionist!
Dear Mom,
Sounds like the real question is in the last sentence of this scenario because, really, boys are still extremely proud of their penises at this age (okay, let’s just say every age!) and that fact is developmentally in the books as being what it is. How you handle situations like this is important because we still want to make sure that children don’t feel badly about doing these kinds of things. The “what ifs” before things happen are great ongoing starters for conversations. By setting up scenarios before the incidents actually happen, children have time to think about different outcomes and it’s quite powerful. “What if Johnny tells you to pull down your pants to show him your penis again? What can you say to him to let him know that doing that is something that is private?” or “Let’s think of ways to let Johnny know that pulling down your pants and looking at your penis is something you do in private?”
These “what if” scenarios can be used for a variety of things to help your child develop his own thinking which supports his growing ability to make healthy choices for himself. “We’re going to go to the market this afternoon. What if you ask me to buy you something that’s not on my list and I say “no”? It’s all about planning ahead and expectations. The most important thing to remember is that in the pre-operational stage of development (ages 3 to 7 or there abouts) children often lack the ability to stop themselves and plan ahead to think “I’m not supposed to do this.” It is during the action that they may want to stop but lack the ability to reverse and so they may sense they want to stop but keep moving forward in the action. “Lessons” are best when they are modeled, not taught. You can even use your experiences as a child to role model actions or use experiences that you have as an adult.
The important thing here is to stay cool, take a breath before reacting, and respond with the understanding of the importance of keeping your child’s self esteem intact.
NOTE: Remember that in case you do “goof” and “go crazy” with “Why did you do that?! You know you’re not supposed to do that! What were you thinking?!” or “Okay. That’s it! You can’t play with Johnny ever again!” it’s never too late to go back and reflect on your own reactions and start over with a productive dialogue that promotes open communication and respect which supports responsible parenting.