“Plant a seed” notes 4/23/14 at Happyland Preschool
Taken by Caitlin Jackson (Penny’s mom, WW)
Presented by Melissa Sehpard, LCSW and Leisle Bartley (LCSW) contact info: mbshepard18@hotmail.com, leisle.bartley@gmail.com
Talking about sex early is best – think of it as planting the seed for more in depth conversations when your child gets older. Talking about this topic often and keep it light hearted takes the pressure off you as the parent.
“Sex” is not just intercourse, it’s a broad topic including intercourse and gender among other things.
Sexual development is early and a normal part of growth. So is there a perfect age to start? No, but there are good/ easier times to start, and earlier is better.
Teaching about sex helps to lay a foundation for building interpersonal skills.
When you lie or give misinformation, e.g. the stork you are sending the message to your kids that this topic is off limits or that you as a parent are not a reliable source for information.
Research shows parents are # 1 source of info but also shows that kids usually want more from parents
“teachable moment” – always reward and validate all questions: “that’s a great question and I want to talk about this with you” It’s ok to say you want to talk about it later – maybe not in the middle of the grocery store but make you bring it back up, don’t wait for your child to ask it again. Not knowing the answer is ok – look it up together!
Be careful to answer the question specifically – look at it with kids’ lenses on not adult lenses! Investigate and ask what they mean. E.g. Where do I come from? As adults we think about the mechanics of reproduction, fertilization, pregnancy and birth. Kids usually want to know a place – mommy’s uterus or Los Angeles.
Answer questions simply and concretely. Condom example: kid sees a condom and asks what it is. Often just the answer of it’s a condom will be enough. If not, something like: “we love you and your sister but this helps us not have more kids”. Be sure not to lie.
Body Image
Simply talking with your kid can positively impact their body image.
Talking with your children now lays a foundation for later.
Self image is not about how you look, it’s about how you feel about yourself.
How a kid feels impacts when they have sex. With a positive self-image they are less likely to engage in risky behavior or succumb to peer pressure.
The overall message you want to send to your child is: your body is special and important.
Safety
Safety makes this topic important.
Knowing anatomy is important:
Empowers the child – Don’t touch my penis! Vs Don’t touch my wee wee!
Enables communication. – For either benign conversations at the doctor my vagina hurts vs some unknown family specific word. Or for more serious conversations where did he touch you?
Instill your morals/values
Information and your values will be passed onto your kids instead of from friends at school.
Stories at school will always happen but if you talk to your kids they know they can always talk to you.
Remember to talk about the positives of sex and relationships.
Developmental Milestones
Babies – touch is important!
Human relationships are the building blocks of sexual relationships.
Eye contact, touch/caress, and smiling are all being taught to babies.
Learning there is a self and another person.
Reflecting back, e.g. your baby learning to rub/pat your back.
Games of learning anatomy – make sure you teach his and hers.
Respect for your body and other’s bodies.
Exploring/discovering their bodies – we were designed for pleasure. The clitoris is the only part of the body that is exclusively for pleasure.
Preschoolers – questioning everything – focused on the ‘where’
Important to say uterus instead of ‘in mommy’s tummy’ because they are concrete thinkers and may get confused as to how the baby is will the food in the tummy. Playing family and doctor is about curiosity, or replaying their experiences like at the doctor. There is no sexual content at this point. If you find your kid playing naked with another kid, most importantly be sure not to shame him/her. Trust your gut as the parent. If not appropriate explain fully and calmly.
Self-stimulation is normal as a soothing mechanism. Decide for your family and then talk about where and when is ok and be sure not to punish or shame.
Early elementary is where it moves from ‘where’ to ‘how’.
Books are very helpful. After this age it gets a little harder to talk about this topic –from 8 to 9. Kids get ‘too cool’ to want to listen. There is a unwritten code not to talk about it.
Modesty – everyone is different and it’s ok to decide for your family. Trust your gut. Model behavior and be sure that any rules you impose (e.g. knocking on doors) you have to follow too! Letting your kid guide you is OK. Most importantly talk to your kids and make a decision that is best for your family.
How do you talk to your kid about good/ok touching (e.g. doctor) vs bad touching. Patty Fitzgerald is an authority on the subject and describes it as an ‘uh-oh’ feeling.
Teach them to honor their feelings. There is a new thinking to update from stranger danger and it talks about tricky people. Teach tools for empowerment – it’s ok to say “I don’t want you to touch me”. Opening up a line of communication with your kids, if you talked to your kids about everything they wouldn’t hesitate to talk to you about something that made them uncomfortable.