by Chantal Ferrini
We had a very productive discussion this morning covering some of the
everyday challenges we face as parents.
Moving forward, it was proposed that an “Ask Roleen” drop box be
created to allow parents to submit anomyous questions for future
“Coffee with Roleen” discussions. Exact logistics to be confirmed
shortly.
As a broad overview of the morning, I will recap the conversation in
four main areas…
HOW MEDIA AFFECTS THE WAY OUR CHILDREN PLAY:
Whether we allow our children to watch TV or not, it’s obvious that
the power of commercialization reaches them nonetheless – from
neighbors, school etc.
Roleen shared an experiment that NSW had undertaken a few years back,
knowing that 4-5yr olds are interested in the concept of “power”.
It was noted that the children who came to school with “superheros” on
their clothes wanted to play out the role of that figure and the other
friends were left to play the lesser characters whether they wanted
to or not.
It was clear to the teachers that many of the children were looking
for ways to become the “superhero” (e.g.: the child with glasses who
no longer wanted to play the character with glasses, started to hide
them).
So, as the method of this experiment, the parents were asked to
refrain from allowing their children to watch TV in the mornings and
from wearing any character-based clothing on school days. Once this
was installed, the dynamics of play shifted. Although the concept of
“power” was still an undertone (e.g.: playing out "thunder" and
"lightening") the playing field felt more level and the children more
content.
The experiment concluded that although there are many negatives that
can be associated with branded toys and clothing, a policy against
them should not be instituted as it was recognized that there is also
the fundamental positive of preparing our children for the real world
through having an understanding of commercialization and its impact on
their lives.
We concluded that it is the way in which we communicate these
“stories” and “characters” to our children that will be the lasting
impression on them. For example, there is good and bad in everyone
and maybe the negative characters made some bad choices along the way.
COMPARISON PARENTING:
The onset of parenthood can open up the floodgates to everyone
offering an opinion on your parenting style.
We discussed the importance of recognizing that every child has a
different rhythm, which should be front of mind when struggling to not
feel bad if asked one of those classic pitfall questions e.g.:
regarding sleeping patterns, feeding etc.
We concluded that it is the importance of the overall rhythm of the
family that should be the best guidance for individual parenting style
and choices.
THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING CONTROL:
In our discussion, we recognized that many of the solutions that we
were looking for in parenting questions, could be facilitated by
offering the child some form of control of a situation and thus making
them part of the solution.
We reviewed some examples of this. Regarding potty training, we can
give our children more control of the situation by having a clean set
of clothes in an accessible place for the child to change into, which
they should do themselves.
We also discussed the impact on a child of having new siblings in the
home. We talked about the importance of open acknowledgement around
the ways their environment is changing and that providing options for
coping with that change helps give a sense of control over it. For
example, if mommy has to feed baby now – be honest about that and
provide a couple options for things your child can do while waiting
during that time.
SELF-SOOTHING:
Lastly, coming out of the conversation around giving our children
control, we discussed the powerful effect of self-soothing mechanisms
for both parent and child.
One example given for children that get upset when a parent is on the
phone, was a special box of treasures that only came out to be played
with during phone calls.
For parents in moments of stress, one example given was the idea of
moving into a different room and drinking a glass of water to
rebalance emotions as a simple way to “take the edge off”. The author
of this posting also suggests that dry martinis are an effective
self-soothing mechanism. 🙂
**More information to come on the self soothing mechanisms**