COFFEE WITH ROLEEN, 3/10/2015
Thanks to the O’Keefe’s for opening their home. It was a small gathering but powerful in camaraderie. These notes are just a blurb into what’s most important in these gatherings. . . feeling good about sharing our parenting concerns and have a laugh or two, knowing we’re “in it” together.
Roleen reports that the PI conference took teachers to the next level and they were especially honored to have Harold Gothson spend the afternoon with them. Receiving feedback from the teachers’ presentations was especially welcomed and he will be at the NAREA conference in New York which will be an added layer of valuable learning that we’ll gain from our professional development. He speaks about the power of democracy and understanding that diversity is about embracing others– defining who we are and accepting everyone, despite all our biases that we unintentionally put on the children. Harold said that NSW was a school of wishes, not perfect, a little rough (meant as a compliment- space for thinking rather than a finished product). Melanie and Flora presented the grub work— and touched on the stages of empathy with Harold giving them a gift of children’s drawings of insects that was so relatable from school to school. Cindy and Adriana presented the children’s work on color differences with the lens of addressing our own biases and how we influence children’s thinking. This presentation will be the focus of the PI Installation on April 13th (and will be on display for a couple of months) and the focus of the Parent Enrichment Night on April 9th from 6 to 8:30. You won’t want to miss this!
Roleen discussed the history of NSW and how she came to embrace the values of the Reggio approach in the year 2000 when a group of children arrived that needed (and deserved) a different way of doing things. We were failing them with the traditional classroom environment with which she began the school. Over the course of a few years, schedules changed, environments shifted, and parent involvement became more about working together. She talked about how the Middle Courtyard was never used for anything other than a transitional space. Now it’s the strongest space in the school that supports the “coming together” of everyone in the whole school. It’s now our “piazza” . . . the place of encounters, friendships, community.
Kindergarten— a lot of children do well in any environment because, while at NSW, they’ve learned the 7 essential skills from Ellen Galinky’s book, Mind in the Making: Focus, self-control, perspective taking, communicating, making connections, critical thinking, taking on challenges, and being self-directed. Some children do well in environments that parents don’t necessarily like – a traditional school might not be your preference as a parent, but it might be the best fit for your child. NSW uses contextual writing (you see “key words” everywhere in the school)— John Dewey—- everything needs to have context. Observe children, how they do it, how are other people doing things?— our public school system is still in the “teaching on/over” mode and hasn’t yet recognized the importance of contextual learning though there are teachers who do and have figured out how to incorporate the Common Core into meaningful connections.
Transitional Kindergarten (TK) is set up to prepare children for kindergarten with some TK programs having homework. Kindergarten now is what first grade used to be, 1st grade is now what 2nd used to be etc. — everyone’s being pushed and families are not being supported. There is research that says that children must have physical exercise/movement for the brain to develop and learning to happen and so many schools are eliminating recess. Children need recess and some schools are looking at the research and making changes by having children play before they eat. There is more focus. Children were throwing away their lunches so they could go play and then, of course, they couldn’t concentrate! Roleen reminded us of the power of words like “held back”, “red-shirting”, “left behind” must be shifted to “giving the child the gift of another year” for socio-emotional development that will help them to deal with tough under-supervised playground situations.
Announcement: Some parents from Branches Atelier are starting a school called “Progressive School: LA” with a kindergarten class starting in September 2015— to continue Reggio through elementary.
Friend conflict—What if your child wants to play with another child who’s having problems at home and is “mean” to him. When do you intervene when a child has a problem? Roleen reminded us to be careful not to label children. Children who are acting out (in this case “mean”) are struggling with their own issues and are probably feeling powerless in their life. Taking a moment to really understand what’s happening can have us validating everyone in the situation. You want to give your children the gift of being empowered but the question is how to do it when you really don’t like that “mean kid” and what he’s doing to your child. Reflect “sounds like you want to play with “Mike”, but there are a lot of problems when you do.” What do you think might work to change that? What do you do when something happens to you? Does it work? What else might work? Do you want me to give you some ideas? Give children the gift of being able to shift their own situation. Remember, too, that you are your child’s advocate. Teachers are not on the playground and may not know the circumstances of these “bullying” situations. Plan best strategies (the goal is be heard so don’t “attack”) for you as a parent to bring the information to the school to support the dialogue of how to make changes.
Labels are part of our culture- tattle tale, bully. The kindergarten classroom is not so much the issue. Children will find successes. It’s the playground that’s tough. That’s why the socio-emotional piece is so important to have that set up already. “It must be hard to be there and want to play and they won’t let you” — empower them. When you’re with that person, how do you feel? You want to have a circle of friends— who are the people who make you feel strong and powerful? Early years are – birth to 9 years. After that they’re really not little anymore. Something happens in 4th grade. Parents have these feelings, too— parents project fears onto the children— remembering wounds from their own childhood.
When you are playing back a situation, first be a reporter and state what you observed- without emotion. NUGGET: DONT ASK THE QUESTION IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER-at 4 and 5 the child’s job is to “save face”. One of the parents asked why some kids don’t seem to have empathy. There are 4 stages of empathy (google: Hoffman’s Theory/Development of Empathy). Sometimes kids are scared and they laugh out of nervousness. They’re not sociopaths.
NUGGET: WRESTLING NEVER ENDS WELL! Make sure to establish the guidelines before the game starts and allow for cool down time.
Children are not us— they may not be the child we “dreamed” of. They have their own personalities and usually some traits that are familiar to you (ones that you don’t favor) and you struggle with that. You want to change them. Falling in love, in the beginning, it’s about you, and then the reality is that things are different. You have to figure out the cues. We have to figure out how to live together. You can’t change a personality. NUGGET: THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. The things we dislike most about ourselves — we dislike in our parents and in our children. Relationships are all different. Sometimes a child is closer to one parent and not the other during various years of childhood.
NUGGET: ALWAYS VALIDATE FIRST: “Friendships are hard. You’re really struggling.” THEN you ask them to think about how the other child might be feeling. If you don’t validate first, they may think you’re taking the other person’s side. DON’T TRY TO SOLVE IT. JUST VALIDATE. WE ALL WANT TO BE HEARD. How to be heard? MUST LISTEN FIRST.
NUGGET: AND/BUT: SAY “AND” NOT “BUT”. “You want to play on the climbing structure and right now we’re doing this.” We debated about whether “however” is “but” with more letters. Or is it more like an “and”.
Recognize trigger words.
Also you have to use words that feel authentic to you.