Wine with Roleen for Graduates
or “NUGGETS” by Roleen Heimann
•The children are really ready but the transition triggers so many feelings in us. Out of the protected world of NSW into the less protected world of kindergarten.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION:
She recommends Ellen Galinsky’s book, Stages of Parenthood—
it goes through all the stages, the dream world when you’re about to have a baby and you imagine your life, then the next phase, each stage you start over…
going back to trust.
•Do your research to find out about how the school you’re transitioning into looks like on the first days of school to help aid in the “expectations”, both yours and your child’s…a lot of us went to the school down the street so this is new territory for us all. Hopefully, you can walk away tonight having the tools to offer support to your child as they make the transition…. you might walk into a perfect new setting, you might not…. it all works out.
•Children at this time of transiton could show signs of regressing- sucking thumbs, trying to figure out who they are… friends who are going to different schools—- hurting each others feelings in order to adjust to “group”… trying to get their crew together (kids who are going with them to k) for the next phase. Adults do it, too. We think we’re telling them what we’re doing but they’re still not in charge… they feel powerless so they get our attention with negative behavior. We have to validate them, support them, not fix them…
•One thing really important to remember— until your feet are really solid in the next step, you wanna go back to what’s comfortable. You expect everything to be the same as when you left but it’s completely different… or that it’s over bc they’re not there, but it’s not over, it continued without you and that can be painful. That’s why we don’t have kids visit NSW until they’ve made the transition and feel comfortable in their new environment. There will be kids night out for grads (KNO for grads)— but not early on….
•When we’re uncertain about which kindergarten we’re attending, how do we talk to kids about where they’re going…how do we switch our excitement if we get off a waitlist… “we were excited now we’re really excited!”—- Parents say, “we did the research, we’re very confident this will be a great place…” We, as parents, may be conflicted inside and go into a place of doubt… and remember everything you haven’t processed from our own experiences of school. But externally, we can project confidence to assure our kids we are there for them as they make this transition and that we believe we’ve found the best situation for them.
Parent talks about pulling her daughter out of first grade in first week bc of a new “not so great/”bad” principal— she says everything can change at a moment’s notice… You can talk through any changes with your kids and why you made these decisions. Roleen says her daughter was in three schools before she was in first grade… Parent discusses a 10 year old who’s going through a big transition just like kindergarten. Roleen says there’s regression even at older ages… the early years are birth-9 years…. 10 years is a huge next phase…
change is different, change is hard…kids feel powerless in the change… adults too…
•You are a new generation of parenting with different role models. Roleen discusses the scale from authoritarian to permissive— we don’t all have the model to be in the middle of the scale. In both permissive and authoritarian — both are uncomfortable so behavior is the same— you’re finding to find your place, your limits and so there’s a lot of acting out. —- authoritative is what you want to be…with limits but also with discussions so children are a part of the decision making process. Kids shouldn’t have a say about everything…. they get very anxious when they’re given too much power. You set firm limits but you explain to them vs “I said so”…
A parent explains how her change of school choice actually empowered her daughter… bc she shared her thinking about the decision. Melinda shares a study on Authoritative (vs. authoritarian) parenting— you have the conversations whether it’s in the moment or after— kids in tricky situations with drugs and alcohol, more likely to get out of it bc they’ve had experience wheeling and dealing a little bit. Melinda shares
a study on Authoritative (vs. authoritarian) parenting— you do have the conversations whether it’s in the moment or after the moment reflecting on the boundaries you’re setting—later on in life these adolescents in tricky situations with drugs and alcohol are more likely to get out of it because they’ve had experience “wheeling and dealing” and negotiating already in their household. In a talk Melinda heard Madeline Levine say that to children and teenagers it appears that adults go through their lives effortlessly— we need to make sure that we share with them when we’ve had a bad day or a tough situation at work, and share how we’re problem solving–and invite them into our problem solving…
Alex says our parents are role models— good or bad, they’re still what we used as a model… for us the new generation of parents… Lenny says he sees himself as his dad when he goes to the bad place… default in bad times, to what his dad was, and says he needs help coming back. Alex says don’t throw the baby out with bathwater! Some things our parents did were ok even if they were crazy…
•Let your children be uncomfortable sometimes— its good for them… It’s uncomfortable when you’re trying to figure something out and that helps them grow… what’s my role in this community? Dissonance happening— groups are getting broken up…kids may start saying they don’t wanna go to school…
•Sometimes they’re not as affected as WE think they’ll be or as affected as we are… or they sometimes make up their own logic— Roleen shared the story about a child who thought the day he turned five, he had to go to kindergarten. No wonder he was scared and acting out. It was only October!
•Children are leaving something that’s very safe and secure… to go somewhere huge… it’s too big for them… people put pressure on them unintentionally when they start talking about “big school” and “you’re big now”… It’s scary for them if they’re don’t feel ready to be big.
•Behaviors says a lot. Why we misbehave:
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Unmet need
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Lack of a skill— I can’t tell you I’m scared so I’ll punch— For adults, yelling after starting a new job- when you’re safe at home, you fall apart.
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Wrong fit…Roleen says, I need light and air so I light candles and open the windows— kids can’t shift their environment the way adults can… schools are starting to listen to research that says that children need to run and move before they can attend to classwork. Children would throw away their food so they can go play. They’re getting better at understanding that children have to run and move, then eat, then settle.
NSW is gathering pictures of all the kindergarten classrooms— when we have pictures of each kindergarten classroom—- we can see there is everything they are familiar with: rug area, block area, a place to eat, etc… we prepare them for what they’ll experience.
•Once you break the ice at your new school, everything gets better. Transition is sometimes harder for parents than kids. Ro says: you may not like your children’s friend’s parents… you think, its supposed to be different… You’re giving them foundation to test the waters when they’re in a difficult spot. They’re learning to adapt. Children are adaptable.
A parent talks about how her core friends are from NSW… formative years with our oldest kids, “the friends we made at NSW are like a family to us”. Meanwhile, we are the ones that support the memories. Children won’t remember much about preschool. Parents remember but children may not —When they come back to visit, they remember the lofts, or certain things but they move on.
•How do we deal with the uncertainty of going into a new pod…. whenever new kids come in… it’s a new community. Ro: go through the what-ifs with children… ‘what if you go to school and no one says hi to you?” etc…. play out real life scenarios at the dinner table as a game.
You cannot control the world… don’t know if you can really prepare children for scenarios that haven’t happened yet. All kids in K are new. Paige says she used to be a teacher, watch your teacher, she’s scared today— you have butterflies and so does your teacher. Then the butterflies fall asleep… and you won’t even notice them. Nervous—- new feeling there are butterflies they will settle …this is good, it means you’re experiencing new things….
Our children give us these gifts and we just have to prepare our minds for where we’re leading them… just say, “look you made a new friend…” when the experience happens. You are building their world of experiences that support their next ones.
Roleen says she offers Wine with Roleen with parents once they leave NSW but no one ever asks for it. You know when you’re ready to move on… 2017 is the 30 year anniversary of NSW— Plan to attend the 30 year celebration.
•Remember the terminology– what’s the kids stuff and what’s our stuff?
Walk them through scenarios that they may experience….
•When children have problems in kindergarten, you can always call Roleen to play out scenarios. You might wanna go to the mother and say your kid’s not being nice… but first play it through with your child. They have the skills to know what to do because they had developed the skills to work through problems in NSW. Ro says talk to your child’s teachers, they’re busy but they want to hear your input but from a positive, curious position— rather than assuming you’re right and they’re wrong… Parent shares that she went to the teacher with a problem and she was a amazing, once she heard what was going on…. tell the teachers what they need to know! Some years won’t be perfect or maybe even half-perfect… sometimes the teachers just won’t get your kids. Refrain from attacking, just try to understand… if you come from a positive place, think of questions to understand, you’ll be empowered, you’ll come to a place of understanding… we get nervous we get defensive and we attack… but like Paige said, the teachers are as scared as we are…. Mary Leigh shares that she went into Kindergarten with a judgmental mind…and then realized these kindergarten teachers are amazing. It’s not NSW, they’re not as warm, it’s bigger…. but they may be excellent in ways you can’t see yet because you’re comparing it to NSW. Someone says- it’s difficult to get to the teacher and talk about a problem, but it’s better than going to the principal…. talk it out. You create a wall between you and the teacher if you go to administration first. You don’t want that to be the relationship you have with the person who spends all day with your kid. Talk to the teacher first.
•Amanda says don’t interview for the negative… don’t always ask them about the problems, ask them about other things…
•One parent says her child’s biggest concern is losing her preschool teachers and all their hugs. Roleen says, “remember when Paola left and we were so sad? And then Adriana came and we love her.” Remind the children that they’ve had new teachers before and they were worried before and now the new teachers are the old teachers who they love.
take away:
MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE AT THE DESK— they are your people— they could block you but they can also make your life easier…. Paige says they can get you into classes, they are powerful.
•Roleen does a demonstration— [see picture] the power of visual aid:
they are making a map at NSW with moveable pictures to show the kids who’s going to be in the West Wing and East Wing and who’s going to a new school and which teachers will be where. Photos are moveable so kids can see how it works. New children’s pictures are added as they do their playdates. You can make one at home— with grannies and nannies and Mommy’s work and Daddy’s work. Amanda says there’s magnet tape at lakeshore and Katie says she found some at Office Depot.
It was a great night filled with lots of emotions. The good part, is that we’re in this together and have a strong foundation from which to more forward.
Notes taken by Stephanie Taylor