Coffee with Roleen 10/20/2011
Notes taken by Annie Tlusty
Settling in, Halloween & the holidays:
There’s so much activity around getting children settled at school, integrated with classmates etc. Just when you’re settled Halloween comes! We bring in costumes, light & dark spaces etc. so that the children can get used to the idea of Halloween. However, the idea of Halloween can never be understood theoretically – the children need to experience it. Then the holidays come with visitors, traveling etc – no routines. So there really is no settling in time.
What do our kids do at school?
Talking about what happens next is really important. Parenting is not predictable. Children are not predictable. Children do pick up things at school, and they do learn things from other students. It’s difficult for them to discuss “what they do at school.”
Parents need to learn to let go. Sarah was talking about her son in kindergarten, and she said that when she asked how his day was, he said, “You know!” Roleen commented that that’s very developmentally appropriate. They really do think you know everything that they’re doing. Remember, it’s all about them at this age. Michael mentioned that when Jeff had pneumonia, their daughter Imonie thought it was her fault. Children are in the preoperational stage and egotistic stage. They know what they’re doing, so they think we must know what they’re doing. Many parents think that their children are manipulating them at this stage, but they’re just learning to operate their world and getting their needs met. So we as parents need to get past the idea of manipulation and move forward from that place.
If people are asking how to apply Reggio at home: it’s about finding out what the children know, finding out what they don’t know, and finding ways to support that.
Parents started talking – wanting to find out what groups their children are involved with, who their friends are, and not knowing who they are at school. Roleen talked about documenting, the blog and communication with the teacher as a means of finding out what the kids are doing. If there’s a note about an accident at school, read the note in private and no need to bring it up again with your child. If we don’t want peeing, pooping, eating, sleeping to be an issue then why bring it up? There are ways to get the information without asking them.
How are we a part of this group?
Jill brought up a question she had about her daughter being exclusive with other children – is it OK for her to be exclusive? Yes it is – school is still new and she’s still figuring out her place in the world. A way to handle that is to offer up play dates with others. Parents talked about children saying, “I’m not your friend,” “You can’t play with me,” or “So-and-so can’t come to my birthday.”
How do we as parents facilitate these issues when we see them happening? We as parents can say, “Whoa, that was hard for you, that really hurt your feelings. Do you want me to help you tell him/her how you feel?” As the parent of the child who is excluding, you can say, “I think it’s important to welcome everyone. How can we invite our new friend into the space? Are you afraid of them changing the game?” Give children the tools to facilitate others entering their space, and entering others’ spaces.
Or if your daughter comes home and says, “She wouldn’t play with me.” We can say, “How did that make you feel? What did you say? What can you do next time?” And you can also go back and follow up with the teacher to make sure they get to practice.
Kristen & Kristen’s mom (Luca’s gramma) brought up exclusionary play with adults. When 2 adults are there the child may not know who the authority figure is. They may also be trying to categorize their world.
“Mommy is a girl, the dog is a girl, I am a girl. Daddy is a boy.” You can say, “Yes, you’re right.” Often we feel we have to make a lesson out of everything (in this case, the parents felt that daddy was being left out.) We often feel like we need to teach a lesson when often we should just allow them to categorize/verbalize. Kristen said we often misunderstand our child’s meaning because they don’t have the skills to verbalize it yet. So we need to understand the meaning of what they’re saying, and take our own emotions out of it.
It was another informative morning. Thanks, Sarah, for hosting. Our next gathering with Roleen will be Wine with Roleen at Michael and Jeff’s house on Thursday, November 15th from 7:00 to 9:00.