Happy New Year Friend! Hope your holidays were filled with good surprises and many cozy moments. The teachers will be together tomorrow, Tuesday, planning for your return and, once again, I’m reminded of an Ask Roleen column that I wrote awhile back. It’s a good one and worth pulling up for your read. It’s all about expectations (we all may have different ones) and being prepared for the unexpected. Talking about what will happen “when” is always a good thing. See you soon. xoxoxoRoleen
Dear Roleen:
We’ve noticed that when we came back from Winter Vacation, our child experienced morning separation anxiety. While we expected some of this anxiety, we were surprised that it was actually more intense than what was experienced in the fall. Is this something we will have to work through after each break? And how best can we prepare our child for it? signed Confused
Dear Confused,
Here’s what you need to remember. . . you are still, and always will be (well, at least until the developmental stage of adolescence!) be your child’s “bestest” person. You feel good and safe, your home feels good and safe and your child likes the feeling of the predictability and routine that you offer. . . and you’ve probably had a lot of uninterrupted time together (and if they’re the only child at home, they’ve been king/queen of the castle!) Coming back to school (or work) after the holidays is hard for all of us and that doesn’t mean that we don’t like where we’re going or what we’re doing. It just means that it’s time to shift the routine, to think differently and that’s hard. The “honeymoon is over”, so to speak.
I always think it’s a good idea to reflect on what “might happen” to give the child (and yourself!) and little “heads up” about how to react and to validate the feelings that go with things being different. It is about expectations. If we expect something to go one way and it doesn’t we are confused, frustrated, caught “off guard”. By giving ourselves opportunities to “walk through” the “what ifs”, we can feel a bit more prepared with the possibilities.
“We’ve been home for a long time. On Monday (or in two days. . . ) it will be time to go back to school.” (This is where a calendar comes in handy so the child can feel some sense of empowerment about what’s going to happen). “I wonder who will be there? I bet the teachers are planning some things for you to do. What do you think you might do?” (This is also a great time to reflect on all the things you did while on your break and create a book or photo album for your child to share with the teachers and friends when they go back to school.)
Remember, that it’s always okay to reflect an experience after it happened. “Going back to school seemed hard for you today (or yesterday or last time or. . .) Changing routines isn’t easy”. Knowing that you understand the feelings is key to your child. You don’t have to explain everything. Just listen and validate. You can’t protect them from those uncomfortable feelings (though so many times we want to!) and, really, walking them through the experiences builds their confidences and says to them, “You are capable. You’re not alone. You have many people to support you.”
Side note: Separation anxiety happens once the child understands “object permanence” which actually happens in the infant stage (around 8 or 9 months). “Object permanence” means that the child has come to realize that something exists even when he/she can’t see it. They may cry when their parents leave them because they understand that when they are not in sight, they are somewhere else. So they may make attempts to bring that important person back.