Wine with Roleen
June 21, 2012
Notes by Kathe Mazur (Jake’s mom)
The crowd represents the parents whose children are about to go off to kindergarten. So maybe a little bit more wine was drunk than usual, and in the air, the unmistakeable taste of bittersweet, the laughter had that undercurrent of goodbyes. As the note taker for the past 2 years, I will really miss these days and evenings. I have learned how ordinary and universal my concerns are, and how a group of lovely parents and Roleen in a room together can make me laugh and make me cry. And make me drink.
And really make me eat. And eat we did. It was a great spread that Tara and Craig (Genevieve, EW, and soon, Shae!) put together for us. Thanks you!
These notes reflect advice from the parents who have already had a sibling go off to Kindergarten as well as child development theory and stories from Roleen about past experiences:
You may be surprised by how little attention you can get from your children’s teachers, at first. Remember they have a lot to take care of, and they might seem stand-offish when you come to them for feedback on how it’s going. You are used to a very warm and loving reception from NSW, and it might well be unnerving. Roleen says, if you can hang back, don’t come at them with your needs right away, observe. Soon you’ll know who you can really talk to, who is approachable and what your approach should be, etc. but remember, this is developmentally appropriate. The children are ready to be away from you in kindergarten and to begin their separation. As Roleen has reminded us at so many “coffees”, they are entering the concrete operational stage of development. During this time, children gain a better understanding of mental operations and they begin thinking logically about concrete events. In other words, they get how things are supposed to go. They may not like it, but they can understand it. They have the great foundation that you have given them, and they can do it. This transition is more often harder on the parents.
Pack an extra change of clothes in your kid’s backpack. The school may not suggest it, but your child may have accidents, even though they haven’t for years. It’s a new place, and a big change. Talk to your child about what they may need during the day to take care of him/herself. Extra clothes comes with the “just in case” scenario.
And let’s talk about this word: BIG. BIGGER.
It’s absolutely natural to start using these words to a child who’s going to Kindergarten. “You’re bigger now…..” “You’re such a big girl/boy, and you’re going to KINDERGARTEN!” “Now that you’re bigger, you need to know…do….act….etc.”. Beware of this instinct! Your children don’t necessarily feel big. . . or they may feel big one moment and little the next. They see their new school, and it’s so much bigger. The big yard, the huge classes, all the big kids. They might start acting out, or talking baby talk, having nightmares, etc. Or, as in the case of Roleen’s daughter, start taking lipstick, keys, things to make them feel BIG. . .because they don’t. Instead, talk about what will be the same, like the rug in the classroom, the books, the block area, etc. All the things they recognize. If you get a chance, show them the bathroom, the things that will be familiar. Sam (Ophelia’s mom) suggested, instead of running out to buy new lunch boxes and clothes, keep those things the same. Think about what things are alike, things they know, instead of stressing all the New-ness and Big-ness.
A lot of them don’t get it yet, that they will not be with their friends. Help them with tangibles, the routines of peeing and eating are a big deal. Help them with their questions. Maybe write down all the questions they have. It’s also why the yearbook and the roster are so important. They should know they can look at their friends, and see them, get in touch with them.
When they go to kindergarten, they may melt down at the end of a long day. Remember, they are holding it together. If you are picking up one child and racing to pick up the other, think about taking a few minutes with your kindergartner to have a snack, or even read in the car; something to give them a little time with you alone to reconnect. A few moments goes a long way.
If your child will be joining an older sibling in school, have a conversation with your older child. They need a check-in about how it’s going to be different having their sibling there. They might love the idea, but they still need a private conversation about anything that could be concerning them. They need to process the change. Maybe they are used to having private time with you on the way home, and now they won’t. Come up with ideas together about how things can work. You can have a “what if…” conversation, about their siblings coming to their school.
There is always the question from parents about how their children will adjust to the new routines and time schedules that are very different from NSW. But, really, kids from Reggio-inspired programs do great in kindergarten. They have been really well prepared. And as hard as it is, it’s important for them to have these life lessons, these difficult situations through which to work. We all need to learn new rules and ways of doing things. These are life systems. You just need a dialogue about these new systems. “It’s hard, isn’t it, to follow that rule? ” Validate them. Things are changing. The hardest thing for us to do is not try to swoop in and FIX it, but it is our role to walk them through the difficult stuff, to be there for them as they learn to navigate and work through challenges. It is painful to see our kids struggle. It just is. But we have to let them have these struggles. Remember, Chapter 6 in Mind in the Making, by Ellen Galinsky: Taking on Challenges. One of the seven essential life skills every child needs.
“Well…..”, says Roleen, with a deep sigh. “….It’s not easy.”
Parenting is HARD. Just when you think you get it……..
There was also talk about us, the parents, missing each other. Roleen said that even through all those years of elementary school, to the present, she was always closest to the parents she met during the youngest stages, preschool and before. There’s something about this time…we’re so much more intensely involved, so our relationships with other parents goes deeper. We’re in this thing together. As the children get older, the parents naturally hang around each other less, and the relationships may not be as “raw” as when our children were so young and we were in each part of their lives. And at NSW, the parents have been with other parents with a shared philosophy. It’s different as you go into elementary school, for the most part.
Along those lines, you will learn how to negotiate when your child becomes friends with someone and you don’t necessarily “trust” them, or what their home is like. We have to take on a different role, finding out who will be home when asked to go to a playdate, and what the home is like. Are there guns? A pool? And Roleen gave her wonderful tip on how your child can move gracefully out of a pressured situation with their peers: “BLAME US”, Roleen and Jim would say. Tell your friends your parents say you have to come home, if in truth, you just want to.
But your kids have a great foundation– a mentality of sharing and dialogue that will help you all for the rest of your lives. And set your limits NOW. Adolescence will be the time to let them have more rope, not to pull them in. Set your boundaries now. Don’t worry about being their friend. They want the limits. The truth is, for them, the limits are actually a relief. And you will find whatever strength you will need. You know your child. You have a relationship with them. You’ll find out what needs to be done, and you’ll do it.
And as for your younger siblings who will be entering NSW, you may take for granted their transition, since they’ve been coming to the school, they visit, they know it. But this is still their transition. Make sure they come to the playdays at school and meet kids they will be in school with. It’s still all new.
And now, with a full heart and a bag full of memories, these notes draw to a close. From myself, Kathe, to all of you: Thank you for allowing me to be your note-maker, and thank you for two years of friendship, laughter, shared anxiety, great advice, and lots and lots of love. You have all made us better parents, and we are grateful