The Wine with Roleen seems so far away but thanks to Shelley (Tal, EW. .. and an apology from me for letting this slip by) we are back to remembering a sweet evening together at the Bryman’s house. As I read the notes, I am reminded, again, that parents just want to know they are doing the right thing to support their children through their various stages of development. And you are!! I love these times together because I learn from you, too. Knowing that you are in safe hands with each other fills my heart. Cheers to you all! xoxoRoleen
Roleen
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starting when people couldn’t make the coffees – dads wanted an eve – wine, martini.
its diff from the coffees.. things come up with couples a different energy
holidays are coming…
The point is to make sure we can share.
original idea, parents would gather and talk .. teachers pushed out – gathered in alley and then in houses.
*there really are no answers, every home in so diff, cultures and styles..
our children’s behaviors mean something.. they want to get their needs met
the question is how to support in a positive way
a point is made about a lack of connection of parents between the EW and WW ,,, missing a little
we talked about the community blog as a way to introduce people, = how do we share what we do in life ?
Maybe a NSW networking night ??
Agendas
item 1) Bad Guys ?? action, violence .. feelings come up when he wants to play those things
how do we feel about that ?
fascination with action heroes
Roleen: – you got control, its exciting .. at 3 years old they have no control .. this is a way to try and figure out their power and test their water.
its universal
especially kids with older siblings
For women its hard to process .. we go to emotional and teaching kind and caring.
Roleen explains that play used to escalate … used to exhaust the teachers.
what transpired was that the kids were watching TV in the am while the parents were getting dressed.. became a clothing pressure thing ( batman shirt ) … became v. intrusive as some kids didn’t want to play the game.
parents were asked to tried no TV in the am.. and asked not to wear the shirts. Most everyone were onboard.
Did the play change ? media play is copycat .. not creative. They are scripted – and those who enter the script and don’t have a role are ostracized.
after about a week the play started shifting – the teachers found more singing, more creativity.
terminology “in our house we don’t .. ” can make them feel shame
Study of girls and boys .. gave boys dolls and gave girls the car and evidence showed that there are innate stuff for play.
then discussion became no boys / versus no girls so we were creating imbalance because of our biases.
Also – no men on staff,
Now we figure out what the rules are .. they HAVE to be safe. How to exit the game ?
They LOVE guns.
Do they come up with non media exclusionary games .. they created “Thunder and Lightening” their OWN power game .. but the beauty is everyone had a part.
Exclusion of children is typical for a 3 year old .. they don’t know how to adjust their role in play.
and new entrants into the play is tough.
there are lots of directors in play. getting to know each other is hard.
ROLE PLAYING
Why do they need to act out the entire thing?
Some kids like things in order and in place gives these kids control- and that is really important for those kids.
the trick is to slip in something to shake it up. Routine offers safety.
But flexibility is key .. as you are preparing them for “what ifs?”
this is why we do appointments in NSW.
“WHAT IFS” playing out before hand is very useful.
“what if you come to school and your best friend isn’t there” –
If things are diff it throws them off. – so preparing them is key. e.g., Drs appointment
Morning Drama
You want o be able to recognize that its easier for kids to behave versus using words.
they will get attention. reinforcement when people are “are you ok?”
make sure you don’t only reinforce that behavior
so be present when things are OK.
Validate the ideas that they come up with. It needs to work for everyone though.
Ask them their opinion and validate.
Do it not during meltdown stage. Do it in the good moments.
HOLIDAYS
Re-define yourself as a family
OK to recognize that your family might need to slow down. Making time and really calling it
define the time and it makes them so happy. Honor that you need your time too.
Take that alone time
Technology is a huge distraction
Back to Bad Guys !
Fear of the bad guys – how do we talk about that
“tell me more about that” support them
visionary games “tell me the story ,,,what can we do to change the story .. change the path”
what would happen?
Kids worry about fire and sickness,
they think they can cause and fix – conflict there. VERY important that they are not in charge of the world .. that people will keep them safe. their job to keep people safe.
its someone else’s job.
Lets write that down .. as that is a curiosity
even if we don’t have the answers its ok.
use the police – this is their job to keep us safe.
they need to let go of their worry
Is it ok to say that we will keep them safe
when are you going to die?
Using Betsy Brown Braun’s suggested “I Plan” for example “I plan to see you grow up, i plan to see you get married, I plan to be meet your children” etc etc. – this often leads to a Life conversation
What is real and what isn’t ?
I don’t know if i have all the answers .. and that is life. !
some people believe and some people don’t. each family is really unique.
All families are different and we will decide what those rules are and we may negotiate that down the line.
That is when you can use :what ifs .. “if you go to someones home, what if you want to jump on the couch?”
STAY solid with your rules at home.
everyone has a right to their own rules.
Core issue that comes out is preparation. Planning but also take the five minutes that you have right now with them .. not cleaning.
When do we engage creativity and imagination and when do we keep to fact?
Its really what are they really asking ??? fantasy, mystery
what is this really about , what answer are you wanting to hear ? what shall i say to you ?
imagination is a gift.
Mixing reality and “stories/white lies” .. using books and story writing to channel that.
those are fine lines. Lying is interesting – they spiral into their own stories.
Back to the Holidays :
NSW found that they were celebrating everything instead of slowing down.
so they asked the question “what is in every holiday? ” -they found that sense of surprise, foods and smells, the sense of freedom as the adults are distracted, all focusing towards something together.
What are we really remembering ? – the fond memories, what are they really about?
They need the sense of normality.
Its also creating those cultures and its hard to have each parent bring their own culture to the family.
Developmental points:
*Putting the kids in extra circular activities :
You are putting them in rules at a very early age – they are not really ready till they are six.
we WERE OLDER. we are living vicariously.
they just wanna hang, and feel safe. THEY ARE LITERAL
*The question of “When Can I?”
Putting an age on something is dangerous.
we will watch for when we think it will be a right time for you.
you can answer “I don’t know for sure .. those are really great questions – we are still investigating that”
WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
remember past marking points. – so things will just come gradually.
Marking their gradual process –
list things that they want to do.
*BABY PLAY.
Let them be a baby.. lets pretend
Play acting their life
they want to know what its like – same as when they dress up. role playing.
they love stories of when they were a baby. photos etc.,
Indulging them and then giving them a “five more minutes and then we’ll be ourselves again”
if you have to move on. Never just stop the game without them having time to know the plan.
*Bad Habits ..
They are supposed to pick up bad habits. and play them out.
Parents you can say ” I don’t want to hear that” “get all the words out”
WE DONT HAVE TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS
PROVIDE AN AVENUE FOR EXPLORATION OF THE QUESTION
Get back to them – that will establish trust.
*Death presentation – we really don’t support grieving as a community
The engine of a plan “died” started a conversation between the children
a parent meeting came out of it. God was discussed, fears were discussed.
The kids teach us how to support grief.
Then the parent group began to discuss ways in which to support one of the East Wingers who had recently lost a baby sister
Ideas about tangible connection opportunities to the unborn baby were suggested
writing feelings down, creating a “shrine:” of some sort.
We all walked away knowing and feeling that we are not alone. we have support. we just have to know how to
reach for it.
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