One of the most common types of questions that our teachers get each year is “What do you say to a child when he/she is doing A, B, or C? How do you get him/her to listen?” Our “teacher language” is based on our foundational belief that our children are curious, strong, and capable. They are always thinking, always listening — even if they are not necessarily following classroom agreements or directions. The key is to offer language that both empowers children and supports our community. We model and repeat certain words and phrases until they become a core part of our culture. This week, we want to share some specific examples of developmentally appropriate language that we use in the classroom to add to your parenting toolboxes at home.
Option A: This [classroom] toy is yours now.
Option B: You are using this toy right now.
We use this statement because it de-emphasizes ownership and instead stresses turn-taking with communal materials.
Option A: Don’t grab things from others.
Option B: It looks like X wasn’t done with their turn yet. Let’s hand the toy back and let X know that you would like a turn when they are done.
We start by phrasing things positively, and then we offer the steps that the child can take to indicate her interest in the toy while letting the other child finish his turn.
Option A: Y, give the toy back to X.
Option B: X, you can let Y know that you are still using that toy. When you are done, let them know.
We give language to the child who had a toy taken away to empower him to stand up for himself — and then we remind him how to follow-through on turn-taking afterwards.
Option A: Okay, Y, it’s your turn!
Option B: Remember, X, you were going to tell Y when you were done with the toy. Please go let them know before you move on to another choice.
We help children remember to follow-through on the plan to let others know when they are done, rather than having the adult be in control of the turn-taking.
Option A: You are mad right now.
Option B: You are feeling mad right now.
Separating the child from the emotion reinforces the idea that the child has the power and capability to respond to the emotion and use strategies to deal with it. It also prevents the child from feeling that they are “bad” if they have negative feelings.
Option A: It’s okay. Don’t cry.
Option B: It’s okay to feel sad. I remember that last time you felt better after writing a note. Let’s see if that will help today.
We validate the feeling, and we remind children of the strategies that can support them through that feeling. Is it drawing a picture? Writing a note? Reading a book? Playing with a peer? Each child will develop different strategies, and we want to honor those individual differences.
Option A: No hitting.
Option B: It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit someone else’s body. Hitting hurts. We can use our words to say, “I am feeling angry right now!”
Again, we validate the feeling, and then we remind the child why the strategy they chose to deal with the feeling (hitting) is not productive. We then work with the child to develop a more effective strategy for the next time that feeling arises.
Option A: Stop it.
Option B: Pause your body.
Using the word “pause” instead of “stop” helps children slow down and take time to think about how their actions might be affecting themselves or others. It also allows us to save “stop” for more serious situations, like those involving safety.
Option A: You need to have a time-out.
Option B: Right now, the way that you are using your body doesn’t feel very safe for you or anyone else. My job is to keep everyone safe. I am going to help your body move away from the group so that we can pause for a moment.
We recognize that when children have trouble controlling their impulses, they sometimes need the comfort and care of an adult to slow down and act in a way that is safe for themselves and their peers. So we may move to isolate them from the group not to punish them but to remove some of the external stimuli that are preventing them from self-regulation.
Option A: Say you’re sorry to X.
Option B: Let’s check in on X. We can ask, “Are you okay? What will make you feel better?”
We use language that stresses care and empathy when we check in with a peer after an incident or a conflict. Sometimes saying “sorry” does not feel helpful, or does not seem like enough, and we want children to consider how to support people in their community as individuals with distinct needs.
Option A: You can’t ride a bike right now. We are painting.
Option B: I hear you want to ride a bike. Right now, our plan is to paint at the easels. We will make a plan to ride the bikes after we are finished painting.
We first validate the child’s individual interest before emphasizing the group plan. We also make a plan where the child will get to do what he is interested in later, after the original plan or appointment is finished. (And then we make sure to follow through on our end!)
Option A: You need to clean up.
Option B: Let’s make sure that the space is ready for the next person. Do you want to start putting away the unit blocks or the half-unit blocks?
By explaining why we clean up, we emphasize community care as a primary motivation for our actions. We also give a concrete choice — this or that — to get started in the clean up efforts.
Option A: Good job on cleaning up!
Option B: You were careful to put the blocks away where they belong. Now the next person will know where to find them. Thank you!
We make sure to acknowledge and affirm the children’s hard work and highlight how their efforts lead to positive results. (We also believe that there are places for authentic and meaningful praise.)
Option A: Do you need some help with that?
Option B: Do you need some support with that?
Sometimes when children ask for “help,” they are expecting the other person to do the difficult task for them. We decided to shift our language then to “support,” which implies a cooperative effort between the person who is asking for assistance and the person who is providing the assistance.
We hope that some of these examples support your families at home. We are always available to talk more about any questions that you might have about pragmatics — and we would love to hear what types of language work for you at home!