Dear Friends.
It was another great Coffee with Roleen this week and I always look forward to learning from all of you. Thanks to Regina for hosting and providing some yummy refreshments and to Kathe for taking notes (to be posted on the blog soon). We always look forward to reading what was said since the morning is always so full!
I’m writing this note as a follow up to a conversation we had. Some of you were at the fundraising dinner we had at Pitfire and I’ve been trying to figure out how to get all of us in a conversation about the feedback I’ve received not only from families but from the staff at the restaurant. Basically, it is mutually agreed that we were “out of control” and, as a group, not respectful of the other patrons and staff. Being a part of a community is a good thing and it feels comforting to be amongst friends and since it was a NSW event, people may have just got caught up in the moment.
That said, I think it’s important to reflect back together so we don’t miss the moments that give our children (and ourselves) insights on how to grab the teachable moments all in support of modeling social cues for them. The message here is not just “Who am I?” but “Who am I as part of a group?” At the Coffee, we talked about giving children clear expectations as to events to come. Giving them the guidelines to “visualize” things before they happen helps them process what’s to come. Talking about the “what ifs. . ” will have them in on the conversation and give them ownership to their part of the action. In the case of what happened at Pitfire, it can be a replay of what happened the last time you were there if you feel you didn’t give your child social parameters from which to guide them as part of a community. It’s never too late to reflect back and start anew:
“Last time we were at Pitfire (or a restaurant) I let you run around with the other children and I realize that we disturbed the other people who were dining in the restaurant. We were just too loud. This time when we go, we are not going to be doing that. We are all going to sit and eat together as a family and. . . ” “You may see other children running around but. . ” It’s here that you can brainstorm ideas as to what they can bring to work on at the table if it’s hard to wait. “Sometimes the food takes a little longer than what we want and waiting is hard. I’m wondering if you can come up with some good ideas that might help if we have to wait. Something that will be quiet enough that we don’t bother the other diners.” It’s also important that you talk about what happens if the rules/guidlines you’ve decided on as a family don’t work. “It’s important that we are respectful of others. I know you/we can do it and I know we can have a great time.” It’s here that you set the limits (beforehand so they’re in on the plan) and let them know that if it’s too hard, you’ll have to leave. Nothings wrong with saying, “We can try it again another time when you think it will be easier.” But following through is really, really important.
To follow up with our Pitfire experience, the EW children worked on a thank you card and I wrote a letter to accompany it. Basically, the letter says “Thank you” and “I apologize” to reassure them that we want to take ownership to the evening and that we will be working together to ensure that, just as we treat ourselves with respect within our NSW community, we want to carry those value over to the bigger community. I welcome your feedback as we continue to learn together. Roleen
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