Dear Roleen,
My four year old has shown a great interest in playing board
games but she doesn’t follow the rules and gets upset when she doesn’t always
win. Most of the time I let
her, but I am wondering if that’s
a good lesson. Shouldn’t she learn
how to follow directions? How do I
teach her that it’s not all about winning?
Signed
Always the Loser
Dear Always the Loser,
Let’s just cut to the chase. To a four year old, it is all about winning because they are still in the egocentric stage of
development that says “It’s all about me.” What’s happening is that as parents we feel it’s our
role to teach our children the lessons in life that include ethical and moral issues. We want them to be kind and fair
and honest and all those things that we value as important. What we’re forgetting is that though we
can try to “teach” them those things, they won’t get the “lesson” until they’re
developmentally ready and our best lessons in life come from positive modeling
and respect. It’s hard to imagine
but, really, competitive games are best understood when the child is in the
concrete operational stage of development* which is around six or
seven years of age. Before that,
game playing that requires following point by point directions may only bring
on power struggles and a lot of frustrations and that’s not fun.
That doesn’t mean you have to wait until your child is six
to play games. Children around
four years old are naturally interested and it’s a great way to introduce following directions and turn taking in a meaningful
way. What you need to do, however,
is to understand the behaviors and set up some expectations so you don’t find
yourself in a power struggle where no one wins. Like any new experience, it’s best to talk about what might
happen before you begin so you
are prepared for some possible problems that may arise. Set up some scenarios and
dialogue some suggested outcomes in preparation for the experience. By doing this, you are laying the
foundation for positive learning experiences.
I’ve listed some examples of what this dialogue might look
like. Questions and scenarios will
naturally develop as you talk with each other. They might even come out of actual experiences you’ve had
already.
What
do you think the rules of the game are?
Last time we played this game, you
got really upset. What do you
think you might do differently this time?
What if you get upset again?
It says that the person who gets
the “x” first is the winner. What
does that mean to you?
What
if you’re not the first one to get to the “x”?
How
are we going to agree on the rules of the game?
What
if you want to change the rules in the middle of the game?
What
will happen if you are at Joey’s house and they have a different set of rules?
My feeling is that at this age, it’s okay to make your own
rules as long as everyone is in agreement. At NSW, we play until everyone has won or reached their
goal. It’s actually fun to keep
playing the game and rooting the others on. Seeing the BINGO game card totally filled is a whole team’s
achievement! And don’t forget the
possibility of you creating your own game together. Talk about a literacy rich experience!
To recap:
√ Accept that your child will have disappointments. Your response to them is the
“lesson”.
√ Validate those experiences. “That was disappointing. You really wanted to be the winner this time and my number
came up first.”
√ Let them play out those emotions. It’s okay for them to be disappointed and if crying helps them
process that, let them cry. You
can go back after and support them.
“I’m wondering if playing that game is just too hard right now” and let
them share their ideas.
√ Don’t push the experience to “teach” them something they are
developmentally not ready to learn.
Slow down a little.
Remember, it’s not about you and your agenda!
√ Find comfort in knowing that when it is time, your child
will know how to play by the rules set down by someone else and that giving
them “lessons” before they are developmentally ready defeats the purpose of
meaningful learning.
√ Remember, the process and our positive responses to those
processes build the foundation for trusting learning experiences.
* Concrete
Operational Stage (7-11 years) is the third of Piaget’s four stages of
development. It is believed that
it is during this stage that a child can attain, organize and apply logical
thought to concrete problems.