Dear Roleen,
My four year old has shown a great interest in playing board games but she doesn’t follow the rules and gets upset when she doesn’t always win. Most of the time I let her, but I am wondering if that’s a good lesson. Shouldn’t she learn how to follow directions? How do I teach her that it’s not all about winning?
Signed
Always the Loser
Dear Always the Loser,
Let’s just cut to the chase. To a four year old, it is all about winning because they are still in the egocentric stage of development that says “It’s all about me.” What’s happening is that as parents we feel it’s our role to teach our children the lessons in life that include ethical and moral issues. We want them to be kind and fair and honest and all those things that we value as important. What we’re forgetting is that though we can try to “teach” them those things, they won’t get the “lesson” until they’re developmentally ready and our best lessons in life come from positive modeling and respect. It’s hard to imagine but, really, competitive games are best understood when the child is in the concrete operational stage of development* which is around six or seven years of age. Before that, game playing that requires following point by point directions may only bring on power struggles and a lot of frustrations and that’s not fun.
That doesn’t mean you have to wait until your child is six to play games. Children around four years old are naturally interested and it’s a great way to introduce following directions and turn taking in a meaningful way. What you need to do, however, is to understand the behaviors and set up some expectations so you don’t find yourself in a power struggle where no one wins. Like any new experience, it’s best to talk about what might happen before you begin so you are prepared for some possible problems that may arise. Set up some scenarios and dialogue some suggested outcomes in preparation for the experience. By doing this, you are laying the foundation for positive learning experiences.
I’ve listed some examples of what this dialogue might look like. Questions and scenarios will naturally develop as you talk with each other. They might even come out of actual experiences you’ve had already.
What do you think the rules of the game are?
Last time we played this game, you got really upset. What do you think you might do differently this time? What if you get upset again?
It says that the person who gets the “x” first is the winner. What does that mean to you?
What if you’re not the first one to get to the “x”?
How are we going to agree on the rules of the game?
What if you want to change the rules in the middle of the game?
What will happen if you are at Joey’s house and they have a different set of rules?
My feeling is that at this age, it’s okay to make your own rules as long as everyone is in agreement. At NSW, we play until everyone has won or reached their goal. It’s actually fun to keep playing the game and rooting the others on. Seeing the BINGO game card totally filled is a whole team’s achievement! And don’t forget the possibility of you creating your own game together. Talk about a literacy rich experience!
To recap:
√ Accept that your child will have disappointments. Your response to them is the “lesson”.
√ Validate those experiences. “That was disappointing. You really wanted to be the winner this time and my number came up first.”
√ Let them play out those emotions. It’s okay for them to be disappointed and if crying helps them process that, let them cry. You can go back after and support them. “I’m wondering if playing that game is just too hard right now” and let them share their ideas.
√ Don’t push the experience to “teach” them something they are developmentally not ready to learn. Slow down a little. Remember, it’s not about you and your agenda!
√ Find comfort in knowing that when it is time, your child will know how to play by the rules set down by someone else and that giving them “lessons” before they are developmentally ready defeats the purpose of meaningful learning.
√ Remember, the process and our positive responses to those processes build the foundation for trusting learning experiences.
* Concrete Operational Stage (7-11 years) is the third of Piaget’s four stages of development. It is believed that it is during this stage that a child can attain, organize and apply logical thought to concrete problems.