The Holz family will host our next Coffee with Roleen from 9:30 to 11:30 on Wednesday, April 23rd. Their address is 12548 Everglade. It’s always a great gathering with a lot of valuable information and whole lot of friendship for only a $10 donation. We hope you can join us. Read here for the notes from last meeting at the Spector’s.
Notes from a Coffee-With-Roleen
3-13-2014
These meetings are gold. Gold and laughter — the laughter of recognition. When a parent says “My kids are SO LOUD, the SCREAMING…am I the only one with that issue?” the ensuing wave of recognition and support is a joy. If you’ve never been to one of these gatherings, treat yourself. The Spectors (of Noa, EW) hosted the latest installment, with outrageously tasty eats, in a beautiful home. True to the agenda, there was no agenda, and the conversation freely flowed from useful topic to useful topic. Here’s a shorthand — some of the words are Roleen’s, but a lot of them are paraphrasing:
Developmental Consistency of 4-5 year-olds
— The 4 to 5 year-old classroom is always unique and yet familiar, it’s such a transitional period. Children of this age are too old for some things, and no longer as willing to accept grownup logic, and yet are still too young for a more mature independence. 14-15 year-olds are curiously similar in that their logic may often be absolutely opposite from ours. New fears surface. Regression may occur — they may feel the need to go back to something familiar.
Social Cues
— One parent asked about how to help her older son, who tends to be more introverted, with social cues. As with so many situations, giving them a heads up about what to expect can be helpful. Also, appreciating how difficult it can be for someone who is introverted. The goal is to have them recognize intrinsically the value of social cues — when you greet people with eye contact, you make a connection and relationship with that person, which will feel good to you both, make it much easier for next time, etc. — as opposed to observing social rules simply because parents expect it. Then afterwards recognize the positive feelings that resulted. Validate, prepare, reinforce after — these steps are helpful in a thousand situations. Another idea: make a book about possible ways to greet someone (for example).
“I wish the baby was not in our family!”
— Many parents expressed concern about older siblings acting out, sometimes violently, against their younger counterparts. What to do? Again ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings first, don’t negate or dismiss them. “The truth is that it IS hard sometimes, not fun, but she’s here, so NOW what are we going to do?” Then make a plan together.
Roleen Book Recommendation: “Your Four-Year-Old” by Louise Bates Ames (and the whole series, one for every year starting at “One”.) Great because you can quickly see how behavior that may seem worrisome or problematic is often developmentally appropriate.
Not real till it can be touched
— In pre-operational stages, they must touch something for it to be real, things must be literally tangible. So if we need for them to understand a concept, it will help them if it is made tangible. Writing things down, taking pictures, making drawings — our school has examples everywhere of “making learning visible.”
Roleen Book Recommendation: “The Six Stages of Parenthood” by Ellen Galinsky. From the author of “Mind in the Making,” uniquely addresses raising children from the perspective of parental psychology.
“He won’t stop screaming until he gets what he wants…”
— Their job is to mess with us, get their needs met. If their needs get met by screaming, then they will definitely keep using that tool. It takes a long time to break a habit, and this kind of parenting stuff is hard but it’s worth it. You have to be strong: “I’m saying no. I know you want it. I’m going to sit here with you, not argue, be here with you, but I’m not going to change my answer.” Sitting can be easier, better, than walking around being drained by the behavior. Everyone should know what the new plan is. The gift is that “no” means something.
Disappointment
— No one taught us how to sit with disappointment. We want to FIX it, but we need to be careful, this is a big, important, universal feeling.
… after 4 days alone without kids…
— Whenever you re-enter “reality” — transition into something that might be more demanding, with kids or without — take a moment to sit and regroup beforehand. Raise some “what if’s”. What if there’s screaming, what if there’s crying, what if we get stressed out. Prepare mentally.
Too Much
— Many parents expressed feelings of working too hard to provide for their children in every moment, about the relentless “job” of managing them on top of all other jobs. Roleen agrees that we’re overdoing it, with best intentions, and that the pendulum swings…
Communicating with Respect
— Again, how to support our children in social situations, how to communicate their (and our) needs in a language of respect, as opposed to antagonism. This will serve them. “I’d like to hear what the person is saying….” “It doesn’t seem right that they are pushing that boy.”
Media
— Children will replay media. Media has no exchange — they can only repeat what they hear. Play, by contrast, IS an exchange, a back and forth negotiation.
Videotaping as a Tool
— At school it can sometimes be helpful for children to see themselves play, see what’s really happening in a way they can’t if they’re in the middle of it. There is also a basis for this in developmental theory. One parent asked about RIE (Resources for Infant Educators)… which Roleen describes as approaching children from a place of observation to know the capabilities of kids on their own. In later stages of development, however, children need some facilitation THEN pulling back — “Did you see what just happened there?” Piaget said: Let them play. Vygotsky said: We learn from others. “I noticed you pulled back, did you want to play?” This might sound familiar if you’ve ever spent two minutes at New School West.
Resolving Physical Conflict
— “This behavior has got to stop, we’ve got to make a plan together about what to do.”
— “I know you can figure this out for yourselves. The rules are you can’t hurt each other. Let’s agree on what happens if someone breaks the rules.”
— some kids NEED a physical release, and there a simple, safe alternatives… jumping up and down, squeezing something, tearing newspaper, hitting a pillow, etc.”
Other suggestions for dealing with sibling conflict
— from a parent: split up bedtimes
— from a parent: give things to the older child to do for the younger, helping them, being generous
— from a parent: sharing a room can bring people together
— from a parent: the more daily schedules can be the same, the smoother overall
— from Roleen: don’t forget to lay the ground for re-entering space with the other
— from Roleen: remember the critical importance of one-on-one time. Make this tangible, write it down on the calendar where they can see it and touch it.
— from Roleen: everyday we need to re-connect… it could be sitting down for just five minutes, making eye contact