Coffee with Roleen
Feb 15, 2012
Notes by Kathe
It was another great group—wonderful to see new families, and a good showing of Dads, as well. Roleen begins by sharing a story about a situation with a family who has her seeking consult with her daughter, Zoe, (a therapist who works with adolescents and teens). We were immediately drawn into yet another relatable parenting dilemma and even though this story involves a much older child, the scenario, which began as a story involving “lying” and “stealing”, grabbed us in right away. In it’s beginning, we found ourselves focused on the act but with deeper discussion, the storyline unraveled to expose the real “meat” of the situation: Power and Control (or rather the loss of power and control). As parents, we get frightened by things our children say and do and our fear can block us from “seeing” what’s really happening. We also want a quick “fix” and so we make random rules and punishments to make the problem “go away” or teach a lesson. We must first understand what’s really behind the behavior before we go about solving the problem. “There is no easy fix.”
. . . and so the tone for the morning coffee was established.
“I like the idea that this is not an easy answer”, Roleen says. “This story is about power and control and right now, this child holds the power.” For us to learn from this situation, we can start asking ourselves some questions. “Do we as parents hold all the power/control? Where in our house can we give our children some sense of power? Are we acknowledging that they are capable of doing things today that maybe they couldn’t do yesterday? Do we still have them in our minds as younger and less capable? They ARE growing and changing. Are we validating that?
For instance, maybe your child CAN go to bed 15 minutes later since they are a little older now. “You’re four now, and I’m still thinking you’re three. Maybe you can stay up 15 minutes longer.” Roleen shared her own experience with her daughter. Zoe wanted to wash her own hair and there were major outbursts and battles around this regular routine. Roleen was sure she wouldn’t be able to do it without getting soap in her eyes or she wouldn’t get all the soap out of her hair, etc. When she finally “gave up the fight”, she let her do it and SURPRISE, she did a great job. That recognized, the battle and attitude in the house shifted. It was a simple act of letting go with something that was pretty minor and so the bigger issues that were not negotiable were more tolerable . . . with everyone. Look at the undercurrent of what’s happening in your home.
These Coffees are not about answers but about talking through and playing out situations that have us “seeing” differently.
There was discussion about the parenting workshop, and trying to integrate the lessons from the book EASY TO LOVE, DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE by Becky Bailey.
In trying to give children back some sense of control, it can start to feel like now they are making all the decisions. A great tool is the Family Meeting. Come together to talk about what is working and what isn’t. Look at the great things that are going on. “..and there are a few things that we can work and do better.” You are a family and you’re working on “stuff” together. Children want to be noticed for all the great things they’re doing. If they’re not, they will get our attention the only way they know works and that often plays out with negative behaviors. They’ve got you.
It isn’t that you can’t have rules. All families have their own rules, and you can go over what those are. For instance, it’s never okay to hurt people, physically or emotionally. “We take care of ourselves and each other and our things in our home.”
You can establish and name what your values are as a family.
One mom brought up the new baby in the home, and that she’s putting her daughter in front of the TV more so that she can nurse. She had been given the suggestion to make up a box of special things that her daughter only plays with when she’s nursing but it doesn’t seem to be working. Roleen suggested that the special box contain things that they collected together. By gathering it together you are giving meaning to the experience. It’s about YOUR connection, because that’s what she’s missing. The children at the preschool are old enough to have the dialogue: “Remember how great it was when it was just us? Now it’s different.” People are afraid if they say this that somehow it’s disrespectful toward the new baby. But if you can talk about these things, it’s more respectful toward everyone. The main point is to let them know that they’re still a very important person in your life. Later in the afternoon, Jona shared with Roleen what worked in their house when he needed to get the baby to sleep and he couldn’t give Lev the time he wanted. It was a dilemma that was solved when he connected with Gramma and she skyped with Lev during this time. They sang songs, played games and read books together. A genius idea.
With a new baby, the older child is ALWAYS being told they have to take care of the baby and that the baby’s needs come first. Roleen tells a story about a mom who would sometimes turn to the baby when he was crying and say, “One more minute. Your brother isn’t finished telling his story.” You want to validate your child’s feelings. Reminisce about the time before the baby.
Our goal as parents is to set limits firmly and yet respectfully. Roleen shares that part of the kindergarten application process for private schools is to ask that the teachers/directors describe the parents parenting styles within a rating scale from “authoritarian” to “permissive”. The ideal is to be somewhere in the middle. As an “authoritative” parent, we have the skills to set limits with clear guidelines and provide natural consequences without shame thus giving the child the lessons and modeling needed to strengthen positive behaviors and social cues.
There is something to be said for taking the responsibility of being part of a group and that’s why it’s important to teach children social cues. How are they to behave in the world? Children have a right to know that they are a member of the community and part of that is knowing how to act in a social setting. Parents talked a bit about the fundraising evening at the Pitfire Grill and there was a lot of discussion (thus sparking the note from Roleen in the blog). Remember, that you have a right to establish your own family guidelines and understand that they may differ from others. Setting up the expectations and talking about the “what ifs” beforehand is always helpful to review the “rules”. The hard part for us as parents is the follow through. It never feels good to have to leave a situation when you’re having fun but it’s now during the early years that you are forming the foundation for supporting your child in make good decisions throughout his or her life. In adolescence and teens, they are reaching more to their peers and so often that’s when parents panic when they see their child’s behaviors go awry and all of a sudden they “get strict” with their rules. Just at the time when we should be giving our children more string to fly, we are pulling them back and that’s when rebellion sets in. We can’t be our child’s best friend. That’s not our role. We are their parents and they have a right to know that we will guide them through the learning that is life.
Back to Power and Control. Roleen brought up the issues that start to happen to the children who are transitioning to kindergarten. As they get ready to move on from preschool, parents and other important adults in the children’s lives start talking about how “big” they are getting, about “big” school, etc. It becomes too stressful for the children. It’s too much for them to think about. What they know is that they know NSW, they feel safe here and even though they talk about going to kindergarten, it is not tangible for them. It’s hard to wrap themselves around the reality and so when it’s too overwhelming, they act out and often times it seems they regress. Monster dreams appear and some children may even start sucking their thumbs or wetting their beds at night. Roleen shared the story about her daughter. At five, Zoe started taking things (keys, lipstick, makeup) and after a couple weeks of panic and reaching out to professionals for help, she realized that what she was taking were things that made her feel “big” and Roleen was able to tie it into the conversations that were happening around the anticipation of going to kindergarten. The “stealing” subsided as the conversation was bridged. Children take things, hold onto something to “fill up” a need. Understanding this stress that is inevitable, the EW teachers and parents put together little kindergarten photo books that show kindergarten environments (the rug, circle time, the play structures, lunch areas, etc.) with the idea of breaking up the “bigness” that is kindergarten into sections that are readable and recognizable. What’s the same? Not everything will be different. It allows for conversation and questions and processing.
There is a discussion about the place for TV. That some shows can open up things for them, discussions between you. What can we learn from TV? What is helpful? Screens aren’t great in the early years, because they learn by touching and feeling, not on a flat dimension. But if you make it a way to connect, not a time to zone out, it can be meaningful. Or there are shows that have songs or stories that they can connect to their experiences. And in terms of commercials, you can talk about commercialism. It’s a great topic. “Their job is to make sure you buy this product.”
And you also have a right in your family to stay away from things that maybe other families do. You can explain that not every family has the same rules. Have discussions around that. Validate that it’s hard sometimes. Recognize, too, when it’s time to renegotiate and come together to hear everyone’s ideas. Just make sure to give things time to play out and be consistent to establish the agreed guidelines.
Has anyone read the French parenting book, Bringing Up BeBe that’s just out? It’s about setting firm boundaries naturally, but not obsessing over their kid’s lives.
There was a lively and hilarious discussion of the pros and cons. You should have been there! These moments are the comic relief we all need and there has never been a Coffee where we haven’t all laughed together!
The dinner table manners came up. Dinner should be a time to connect. Instead of only having rules around it, make it actively a time to talk. Take turns reflecting on your day, for example. Maybe pass an object and the person with the object is the one who gets to share something that happened that day. Regina brought out the Table Topics Box, Family version to show us. (I took this advice, and it’s a great one. You pick a card and everyone answers the question.) It will naturally keep everyone at the table and eating, and being together. Remember, you don’t have to do it every night.
We have a discussion about how controlling we get around food, because we have our own issues. We can have structures like, “You have to try everything, even if you don’t have to finish it.”
We go back and forth with the pros and cons about the “French” way.
Some food ideas get shared. If your child comes home and is snacking before dinner, it could make it hard for them to want to stay at the dinner table eating. One idea: have a platter of veggies and hummus on the table when they get home. Also, include your kids in the cooking process.
With families where the mealtimes are inconsistent in terms of who’s there, find some consistencies. When Roleen was growing up, her father was usually not home for dinner. Her mother would say, “At 7 o’clock, whether Dad is home or not, we’re eating.”
For some kids, food is where they have control when they aren’t feeling they have control over anything else.
If they turn down certain foods, don’t make those foods disappear. Keep putting little portions of them on the plate. Otherwise the message is that if they don’t like it, it goes away. There is a study, for instance, that says the food has to appear 14 times on their plate before they’ll grow to like it, in some cases.
Back to preparing them beforehand for situations. Letting them know how it’s going to be. Birthday parties, for instance, can be difficult. You can always call ahead and find out how many kids will be there, or what sorts of things are going to happen.
With playdates, you can do the same. It’s important to remember that the playdates don’t have to go on for hours. Make them short, keep it simple. Don’t expect your kids to be able to have playdates for hours and hours. Talk to them about the fact that they will be sharing their toys. Have them look around and see if there are any toys they want to put away. Walk through the scenarios. “What if you’re playing and you decide you don’t want to share a toy?” Talk that out before it happens. “You may get upset. Let’s see what we can do if that happens.” You can even write it down, like a contract.
Often times, we don’t let them sit with the bad feelings. Don’t try to take those feelings away. You can talk through them, and re-visit what happened instead of trying to distract them.
When you do forget to set something up, you can pull everyone together, and say that you forgot, and gather them together to look at what’s happening now. You can teach them to self-regulate when a situation is becoming difficult. You want to model for them, (and ourselves), to hit the “Pause” button so you can respond rather than react. In our culture, we don’t value mistakes. Questions are good. The more we are honest with our own situations, (“I really goofed today”), the more possibilities it gives everyone.
Someone quoted: “If a kid isn’t making mistakes, they aren’t learning.”
Reading: Mind in The Making by Ellen Galinsky—
“One of the 7 skills we can give our children is to be critical thinkers.”
We try to protect them from the struggle. And that’s our mistake.
Thanks to Regina and Sean for opening their home. It was a great morning. See you at the next Coffee on March 15th.
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