Coffee With Roleen  2/16/11

Another wonderful time. We met at Jacki’s (Stella and Margot) house. These are such great opportunities for the parents to get together, and share, and learn, and LAUGH. As Roleen said, “You need each other.” And then,

“Parenting is the hardest job in the whole wide world, and it never stops”, says Roleen, “I just had a weekend with my daughter, and your heart just breaks when you hear the struggles that our children and all of us have to go through in life. And your first response is to..you want to hurt the other person, you know?  What? You hurt my daughter?? It’s so hard to just listen, and feel, and know they will all just work through it. The hardest part of parenting is letting go. We’re heading into a new phase. A lot of you are about to send your children off into the big world. It’s supposed to be the way it’s supposed to be, but it’s not without a lot of struggles.”

COMMUNICATION

Children at this age are often saying things while meaning something different. We need to listen, stop, go back, try to figure out where they’re really coming from. What are they really asking us? That’s not taught. We think we have to Answer and Teach, and we forget what the message is.  That we have to listen to find out what they are really asking. Slow down, clarify: “When you say this, do you mean?….” “I can see you’re really frustrated, instead of the “Why are you acting like that?” The WHY question is the hardest question you can ask a child.  Think about it, even when WE get a “why” question it takes some time to answer and then there’s this whole thing of “I don’t know why, and what’s wrong with me?” It’s important to clarify where everyone is coming from, that’s the core, that’s EVERYTHING.  So often we move forward and forget to check in with what’s going on around us.  What changes are happening?  On the job, when you have a new person enter into the mix, you have to stop and find out who we are NOW, how has this changed us?  So it’s the same when you have a new baby in the house or a Grandma who may be visiting. You can’t assume your family is going to be the same. Re-visit. The same with the stages of development, you need to roll with the changes.

REPORT

In a conflict, If we can remember to REPORT on what we’re seeing, it gives us a minute to think, but it also tells the other person we’ve noticed. It doesn’t mean you agree with what they’re doing, but it looks like this: “You came over, and you took that plate and you threw it across the room.“  That’s just a report. “It looks like you’re really upset”. Period. Instead of “ Why did you do this? You know you shouldn’t, go to your room, etc.” It slows it down. You’re noticing. It doesn’t mean you are going to ACCEPT it. You can say this is not acceptable, and discuss what’s happening, but it’s the DIALOGUE. Now, if your child is in a

TEMPER TANTRUM

it’s already over the top and a lot of times we get frightened by temper tantrums, and we start to talk while the brain is still fried. No one can listen at a time like that. Our job is to make sure they’re safe and try to wait it out until the adrenalin is released and they’ve reach a sense of calm. Only then it is time to regroup and have a conversation. “That was really hard and upsetting. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”  It’s important to also talk about ways to self regulate when they get upset again, other possible strategies that would help so they don’t have to have a temper tantrum.  “That might happen again, so we need to figure out ways to help you.”

Some children respond to being held, some want to be alone. There’s no right way to do anything. You have to know your child and your family. Talk about it with them when times are calm.  You are looking for what will help everyone and they may have some great insights. But remember, too, that you may not get a lot of conversation.  At times like those, you can just recognize the feelings, “It’s hard sometimes.”  Period.

One thing to know is that your child may not understand what is happening, or how to articulate their feelings, but they know they need YOU.  With that, it’s important to understand that they may get your attention in the easiest way they know how and that could be in negative behavior.  It’s the fastest way to get a quick response.  They’ve already learned that.  You’re busy and when life is good, and your child is “good”, you’re even BUSIER. You’re cleaning up your house, or on the phone, or doing paperwork. So they will grab you in a negative way.  If the meltdowns are happening a lot, re-visit what is going on in your family.

“I realize that I’ve been so busy lately, and I’m missing just you and me together”. It’s about making a connection. It doesn’t take a lot of time, it can be just a few minutes. We don’t take advantage of these good moments and too oftern we wait until it’s too late and then it’s a spiral.

WHINING

It’s annoying and you don’t have to tolerate it.  You can say, “I will hear you better when you use a different tone of voice.”  One parent described doing this with their child, and he responded, “I’M NOT THAT TALENTED!”  Once again, It feels good to share the stories and laugh with each other.

One parent, (oh, ok, me) spoke about noticing how often I am “teaching” or “making a point” when I talk to my son.

Roleen said, “Culturally, we think it’s our job to TEACH, as parents, and teachers. Instead of realizing we’re in this together, it’s reciprocal, we are figuring this out and learning together.”  Children’s books with heavy messages and morals are often boring.  If we want kind, caring, sweet and polite children, we have to model these behaviors not TEACH them.  It doesn’t mean you don’t say, “I like to say please and thank you, it’s a polite thing, it makes people feel good.  It makes me feel good.” You can say these things if you want and you can ask your children to do them.  But developmentally you have to understand they don’t automatically get that. They are just words until they can attach the meaning behind the words. They have learned to say, “ Sorry” when they hurt someone but run off to continue what they want without understanding the implications of their actions.  It’s up to us to model empathy and regard for others.  “Look at his face.  He’s crying.  He’s upset that you hit him.  How can you help him?” It’s about making the connections.  Having him come back and follow through and be accountable for his actions.

HITTING

What do you do when your child keeps hitting someone?

First of all, it’s really important to understand that behaviors mean something and to recognize this is our first job in facilitating problem solving. For example, your child might have told someone to stop doing something, and they didn’t and so that’s why they hit.  You may never know that if you go right into “Why did you do that?”  They may just shut down.  Address the action and avoid labeling and asking “why?”  “It was very hard.  You used your words and he didn’t listen.  Hitting him is not okay.”  But here’s the hard part, you have to facilitate the dialogue between both the children. Without judgment. Support both of them and help them come to a resolve by reporting back what they say.  This let’s them know you are hearing and validating them.

With playdates, this can be hard. You feel embarrassed that your child is causing a problem.  You’ve got to get past your own feelings in order to give your child his feelings and the support he needs to know how to behave in his world.  Be careful when asking “What Happened?” You may be setting them up to “ Lie”. They may feel “caught” in the moment and want to get out of it anyway they can. What about consequences? They are important to change behaviors that are not acceptable.  Hitting is not acceptable and if it feels like you are constantly talking and getting no results, than boundaries have to be established and you can do this together.  And then it’s up to you to follow through.

One mom shared the story of her son’s friend not wanting to play with him because he was screaming at her.  A natural consequence is telling him that until he can figure out how to tell her his feelings without screaming he wasn’t going to have anymore playdates because she didn’t want to play with him.  They practiced scenarios and “what if. . .” and “how to. . .” games.  Children have the right to play things out so they can prepare for unpredictable possibilities.

You can also play back a not so pleasant experience later with them, as one parent described. Her son was having a repeated issue with getting upset on the way home from school if they didn’t stop for food. So the mom had him play it out at another quieter time, in a fun way, at home, to find another way that it could go when it happens again. You can also (again, in a calmer moment) make a list together of other ways to handle the situation.

You can set up the possibility for them, and then you can say,

“What if such and such happens?  What can we do?”  But what do you do after the hitting? JUST REPORT:  “He said you hit him,”

“She says it was an accident.”  You don’t have to ask what happened. You can start with, “He’s crying, he’s upset.”

You are the FACILITATOR, you’re not the FIXER. A facilitator supports the conversation so that the two parties (or three? Or. . ?) can be heard and come up with a plan that is agreeable to everyone.  We set our children up all the time, “You won’t get in trouble…” Of course they will. The already are. But when you facilitate, they may come up with a plan that you never would have come up with, and if they’re okay with it, you gotta let it go. You can then tell whether a consequence is even appropriate at that point. Now with

SIBLINGS

You want to ask yourself, “Do I really need to involve myself? No matter what I do, it doesn’t stop.” One parent recommended this great book for sibling issues, recommended by Betsy Brown Braun:

“Mom, Jason’s Breathing on Me”, by Anthony Wolf

Some parents of siblings,(with a lot of experience in this area!) suggested, LET THEM WORK IT OUT THEMSELVES. Even if it seems impossible. You can say, “You’re going to be brother and sister for a very long time, you need to work this out.” You can sit down and make family rules.  Every family is different and it’s important to validate that there are times when you’re more tired and less patient.  Drop the guilt and give yourself permission to say, “In 5 more minutes, I’m going to blow my top.  You work it out or I’ll work it out for you.”  And with that, you have to understand that if you haven’t given them the tools to do that, they won’t know how.  Give them opportunities that problem solve on their own and try not to always fix things.  Play out scenarios together when times are good. For example, rough and tumble play can be great with Daddy, but not with other kids, or babies, and you can role play that situation with them. “At our house this works, but what if we’re at other people’s houses. What if. . . ? You can set up the scene. “We’re going to have a playdate with Joey. Last time was a little rough. What can we do if this happens again? “ Also, we give way too many warnings. If you say there’s a consequence, follow through.

One parent brings up their sibling issue: One of their children is upset because his younger sibling is taking his toys. Remember, they are at school all day having to work these things out, and then when he comes home, nothing is JUST his. You can say, “Have you noticed that your brother is not a baby anymore, and he really wants to do everything you do and play with what you are playing with?   He missed you when you were at school.  He can’t wait to play with you.  This can be frustrating. Let’s figure out how to give you your time, and when he can play.”

Remember, it’s important to reconnect with your child after his day at school.  Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to unwind, be alone, and not have to share 24/7.  We don’t.  You just have to recognize this time and respect it and have them in on the process of being a part of the family.

One parent suggestion: She knows all her kids like to color, so she sets up coloring for them when they get home, to give them a group downtime activity to get them all together in an easy way, which makes coming home a better transition.

Involve your child. Have them come up with their own ideas that are agreeable to EVERYBODY. You read them back and see which ideas would work for everyone.

PLAYDATES, CONFLICTS

Remember, the job of children is to try to figure out who they are in their world and so a part of that is having conflict. You can’t just STOP it from happening. For only children, they need to play this out at school and on playdates. Know that children can usually play better with older children and younger children because the roles are more defined. It’s with their peers, where they really need to work things out. And with playdates, it’s a great conversation to have with other parents about how to handle disputes. You can say, “I read somewhere, or Roleen says . . .”

One parent brought up a close relationship between their son and his female friend. They are into the “Let’s show each other our private parts” thing. The parents are aligned, and they are having them not go off to secret places, and talking about private body parts, etc, but this parent felt that maybe some distance would be good between them. The parents are doing everything they can do, but she is feeling that it is an uncomfortable situation for her son.  She is sensing something,

Roleen: ”Instinctually, there are things we feel, and you have to trust your instincts. It’s appropriate, at 4 and 5 to be curious about our bodies and the bodies of others. And you can have conversations and let your child know you’re there, and then you need to know you’ve done your job, and you can let up, and just figure out a structure for playdates that feels the most comfortable. But this is really common. It doesn’t sound obsessive. You can just do what feels right to you in terms of the playdates and don’t ignore your instincts.”

At this point, some general differences about boys and girls came up.  Girls are just more advanced, or, as Karrie put it:

“My son is just in the moment, whereas my daughter..she’s setting up LIFE. There’s something she wants at a later time and she’s working all that out.”

Also, really important about playdates: If you like the parents and your children don’t get along, make time alone to be with them, but respect the fact that it may not be the best match for your children to play together and don’t force it.

NEW SCHOOL-WEST “SPEAK”

Remember to take us off the pedestal!  It’s not that different– it’s just about being in the facilitator mode, the researcher mode. Just reporting back. We are staying away from being the Teacher mode, and we are asking the children to come up with their own solutions. In your families, focusing on having time to do this can be overshadowed by your day to day routines. So you’re doing the quicker approach and what may feel like a band-aid to a quick solution. If you are looking long term, you have to model for and with your children so they know how to self-regulate, to work things out together, to collaborate and you have to organize your time to do that.  It’s not easy.  We have the luxury at school for this model.  There are many of us and we are dedicated to support each other especially when it’s frustrating and it seems we are doing the same things over and over again.  Each of us comes to the world with different temperaments and life’s experiences and we recognize the value of coming to resolve when in conflict.  Each of us has value.

A COUPLE MORE MINUTES……

Respect the fact that when your child is busy with something, they can’t change on a dime and cut off what they’re doing just because you said so.  “Do you need a couple more minutes?” acknowledges that they have a right to regulate the time shift.

So often in our world of parenting, if they say they need more time, we feel like we’re “giving in” if we give it to them.  But you’re not. You can make the agreement, and then, you can stick to it.  It respects them by creating parameters.

But then what if you hear, “But I’m still not ready!”  Understanding that they mean “I still want to play” you can respond with more sensitivity.  “You’re into what you’re doing and it’s hard to stop.  But that was our deal.”  Recognize, too, that they may not be assured that whatever they are playing with will be there again when they want to return (remember the sibling who wants to get into everything?)  If that’s the case, involve them in the process of making sure they can come back to it later. And if it becomes a tantrum, that is something you can play out later. “I noticed that we had an agreement, but then when it was time to stop, that was really hard for you and then we all got upset. This might happen again. What will work better next time?“