Coffee With Roleen (not going to “K”)

Coffee with Roleen  4/27/11
 
 
NOT MOVING ON TO KINDERGARTEN—HOW TO APPROACH IT
 
 
What about the children who will stay at NSW when their friends go off to Kindergarten? This is one of those conversations where we, as parents, can really help each other. So many of you have been through this, and found different experiences, and different approaches. Should they be part of graduation, or not? Will that be strange for them?

 
The parents who were at the Coffee had a lot of great input on how this went for them. Roleen said she thought they should be part of the graduation and the general consensus was that yes, they can happily be part of graduation. They are, in fact, moving on, graduating from this year.  Dex’s mom, Robinne, explained to Dex that he and a few of his friends would be staying as “Ambassadors”. Stepping into that role of taking care of the younger ones, of being the kids who know how things go, and can lead, has been extremely empowering. Every parent who spoke had the same experience, that the extra year worked beautifully for their child.
 
In any case, as always, it’s about how we answer the questions. “These are really good questions—let’s gather the information, let’s ask other kids and teachers.” Go into research mode with your child. Maybe the kids who have done this before could meet in a small group with the kids who will do it next year?
Maybe, in fact, you’re graduating into being “Ambassador”.
 
But it isn’t all roses, and we should expect a variety of emotions in this time of transition and understand that all the children (as well as adults!) will experience some insecurities when faced with any new change.
 
We have so many feelings and projections about this: “My kid is being left behind.” We project out of our own experiences with this. Many of the parents present remembered these situations from when they were very young, and so many of our decisions are coming out of what we experienced. In terms of moving to kindergarten, it’s not the academic piece—they can handle that. It’s the emotional/ social piece that is key, and for those “Fall babies” they can really be supported by staying in preschool that extra year. It’s not about kindergarten, even, but about what happens down the road, when adolescence kicks in, and your child is younger and therefore out of step with the development of his peers.
 
In the year 2000, NSW started to put certain systems into place that would help with these transitions. For example, the children staying with their teacher is fantastic, because it keeps the continuity for them as they are growing. But change does happen, teachers may get pregnant, etc, and have to leave. So NSW began to use the pod system, so that all the kids would truly get to know all the teachers, and the teachers really collaborate with each other. Change does make people anxious but it is a part of life and even though change can be difficult, we cannot protect our children from these life’s events.  What we must do is facilitate and work alongside our children as they navigate their own experiences and support the feelings that accompany the disequilibrium that happens when life is in transition.  NSW is a safe environment to do this and they are building their portfolio of experiences that will benefit them throughout life.
 
 
MEAN NAMES
 
What about when your child gets accidentally hurt, or upset by behavior of other kids, and calls them, for instance, a “poo-poo head”?  You want to advocate for both children. There is no victim and no “bully”. Both children had an experience and both sides matter. “Hurting with words isn’t okay, just like hurting people with our bodies isn’t okay.”
 
 
CRYING WOLF
 
Several parents told stories of their “dramatic” children. Even if they just barely fall down, they throw themselves on the ground and scream and go into full-blown dramatics. One mother told her kids about the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Stories like these can be very powerful. I (Kathe, note-taker, Jake WW) remember being told this story, and it had great impact for me. I could truly understand why it might not be so great to give every event equal dramatic reactions.
 
Above all, always look to see what’s going on in your child’s life. What happened prior to the meltdown? What has changed in their life? In your home?  And above all, remember to re-visit. It may not even seem that they remember, or they may not seem to have any interest in your re-visiting, but they do remember, and it gives them a chance to calmly look at the situation. If they’re tuning you out, it may not be because they don’t remember or care about the situation, it may be your lecturing they don’t like. The re-visit is a chance for them to literally reflect on something that happened, to which they had a big reaction. It’s not about lecturing, or feeling you have to TEACH.
 
What about the way my kid “controls” everything, has to be the director? This is more common with girls, who tend more often to “hold on” to things, and want to control their world. Really, when you think about it, there is so little the children can control that they must feel empowered somewhere and so it shows up in their play.  Again, they’re trying to figure out their place and taking on various roles is important in the process.  In general, boys move forward quicker and don’t hold onto feelings as strongly as girls. Boys do like Power Play, and we have to find a way for them to feel powerful without them intruding on other people’s space.  What are the rules of the game? What if I don’t want to play?  What if I want to stop in the middle of it? What do I do?  We work with them on the rules, to make sure that if someone doesn’t want to play, they can get out of it, and to make sure that the children who are “running amok” don’t invade other children who don’t want to play.
 
Roleen shared that for weeks at school the teachers were working with the children who wanted to play Power Rangers and focused on the rules of the game.  They weren’t even playing it after awhile. They were just working on the RULES. That became the game and it was really empowering. How do we make the game safe for everyone?  How is it going to work? If you’re in a game, and you need to stop, what could be the code word?  It’s teaching them about instincts. If you don’t like the way something feels, you have to be able to express it.
 
“I’m a little overwhelmed with the “hotness” of the topic of bullying,” says Roleen. In preschool they aren’t bullying the way we as adults understand bullying to be.  Children this age are trying to figure out their place and they get into situations that they don’t know how to get out of. They are working through their world and haven’t yet fully achieved the skills to maneuver the bumps in the road. They get stuck and we need to support their problem solving process and give them the language without giving them labels that can influence how they feel about themselves.”
 
BEING EXCLUDED
 
Being excluded isn’t okay, it feels terrible.  We want children to be able to speak up and be proactive so they don’t become victims in life and we want children to be kind and sensitive to others.  What can we do to support that?  Be their words if they don’t have them. “What can you do when that happens?  What do you think will help? Who do you think can help? We want them to be able to find solutions to their problems.  Suggest some possibilities.  It’s important to remember at this age thinking beyond the current framework may be hard or even impossible.  It’s not always personal—maybe the children playing family just don’t think there should be two mommies, or two red Power Rangers, so they say “you can’t play”. It’s important to let the teachers know if there seems to be an ongoing situation with which your child is struggling, because this is what the teachers do—they help facilitate these situations. Also, the teachers may not always see the emotional hurt, as often as they will see the physical hurt. And being excluded doesn’t feel good, especially if they don’t know what to do with the feelings. We want them to know what they CAN DO about it.
 
 
5 STEPS TO PROBLEM-SOLVING
 
1. What’s the problem?
2. What are you doing about it?
3. Is it working?
4. What 3 things could you come up with that could be an alternative plan to change it?  List them.
(i.e. tell the teacher, find a new friend, etc)
5. From those 3 things, what are you willing to try right now?
 
You want to make sure your child knows how to get out of things if he or she wants to. Children are proud and want to save face.  The foundation starts now so we have to support their process of speaking up, following their instincts, and knowing how to get help. Roleen tells a story of when her daughter was 15 and just starting to go out to her first parties where she might meet people they didn’t know, and they wanted her to understand that she could get out of a situation if it didn’t feel right. She knew she could always call and they would pick her up, but also, they knew she may be embarrassed to say that to her friends. So they told her, “Blame us. Just blame us. Let us be the bad guys. Tell them we said you have to come home.”
 
All of this is really hard.  We really can’t stand seeing our children hurt and being excluded in any situation brings up such strong reactions.  We ourselves get so hurt so we protect them instead of giving them the power to make some changes themselves. The end goal is to be able to speak about who you are in the world. We can’t control the world, but we can control who we are in the world. What CAN I be pro-active about?  Little children need our help. Maybe there isn’t a perfect scenario. You keep working on it. Preschoolers go down a path, and they get STUCK. How can you help them get unstuck?
“I am never gonna be your friend!”  How does this make them feel? Not good. “It sounds like you want to change this. What could we do to change it?”
 
“My kid is a thrill-seeker! I’m terrified!”
 
We are ALL terrified. But the reason she can be a thrill-seeker is because she knows that you will keep her safe. The boundaries are clear for her. You need to be able to have fun with your kids, but you also NEED to be able to set firm boundaries for them. It’s all about dialogue, communication. Play out some possible scenarios. “What if you go to this birthday party, and your friend starts throwing the cake?” Or, “There might be a LOT of people at this party and . . .”
We get ourselves into situations, and then we’re IN it.  And then what?
 
We want to be clear, and still give them the safety of knowing that even if we are upset, we will still always take care of them, and help them. Offer security. REFRAIN FROM PROBING. Does it feel good to YOU to be bombarded with questions? If you are feeling like a nag, maybe you are being one, by asking too many questions of them. We’re there to facilitate and validate. Sometimes, we use just too many words. If it doesn’t feel like a good time to talk, find a better time. And if it’s getting to be too much, they’ll let you know.
 
 
THREE IS HARD
 
One mother described her son not wanting to go to camp. He was there with his two friends, and he was feeling left out. Three is HARD. Even in a family of three, many times someone’s out.
 
It’s a lot about expectations, and you can talk about this with your child, You can play things out with them “ what if…..” for example, you want to play one game, and your friends don’t want to?” You can introduce the conversations and brainstorm ideas with them. That way they won’t go in unprepared.  This goes on and on and on in their lives. The end goal is to be able to process it, build the toolbox.  And, it isn’t always going to work out. But we can help them with their expectations. And we can help them with coping. It’s about taking things to the next step. How can we help them?
 
DIALOGUE, COMMUNICATION
 
A very funny conversation took place about how to explain God and, for that matter, the Easter Bunny. Roleen said to try to refrain from giving an answer right away.  What is most important is the conversation.  Find out what they know already.  What questions do they have?  What do they really want to know?  This is a good time to think about what your own beliefs are and if you haven’t already, find out what your partner’s beliefs are.  You’d be surprised what feelings and opinions these kinds of questions bring up. 

  
But, as uncomfortable as these topics are, it’s the conversations that what you want.  You want your child to feel comfortable talking to you about important things so they have ways to prepare him or herself for different outcomes. Tell them stories about your childhood experiences.  Do you remember what it was like to go to the market and lose your mom?  Or having to kiss your father’s aunt when you didn’t want to?  Sharing your memories and feelings that go along with them brings you closer and can open up wonderful dialogue.  This empowers them (and you!). You want your child to be a part of the world and it gives them a way to problem solve without being “in” it. By being involved in the discussion, you are laying down the foundation for your child’s life possibilities, supporting their critical thinking skills, and building their portfolio of experiences.