Last week brought another golden opportunity to talk with Roleen about our kids. Many thanks to Joy (Madeline, WW) for stepping in last minute to offer her very comfy living room. Here’s a recap:
Coxsackie at school lately, used to be called “Hoof and Mouth Disease”, a virus with some fever and pain, just wait it out!
Your child reports that another child told them “I’m not your friend!”… what to do?
— The key (as so often true) is to work on OUR response: “Tell me more about that.” “That brings up a lot of feelings!” More than anything they want you to LISTEN.
— Know that it’s very likely a question of pragmatics — if someone doesn’t know how to play the game then they are “not my friend”. So try and find out what’s actually going on, but be careful of simply asking “Why?” — this is a really tough abstract question.
— Learning to play together is tricky! Especially if it’s more than 1 on 1. Modeling of, for example, taking turns, is invaluable. At the dinner table, model waiting for your turn to speak.
— Playing a more formal game involving rules has it’s own set of challenges, especially when players may have different levels of maturity (such as siblings). They key is PREFACING. Decide on the rules together before you start. “Do you think these rules are going to be hard to follow?” “What kind of game can we all play?” Also, validate both parties: “It must be hard for you!” Beware of always taking one side. (For more on this, look to the right on the blog, scroll down and click on Ask Roleen. There’s a question and response there that is directly related to children and rules when playing board games.)
For reference, here are the Mildred Parten’s stages of play [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parten’s_stages_of_play]:
–Unoccupied (play) – when the child is not playing, just observing. A child may be standing in one spot or performing random movements.
–Solitary (independent) play – when the child is alone and maintains this status by being focused on its activity. Such a child is uninterested in or is unaware of what others are doing. More common in younger children (age 2–3) as opposed to older ones.
–Onlooker play (behavior) – when the child watches others at play but does not engage in it. The child may engage in forms of social interaction, such as conversation about the play, without actually joining in the activity. This type of activity is also more common in younger children.
–Parallel play (adjacent play, social co-action) – when the child plays separately from others but close to them and mimicking their actions. This type of play is seen as a transitory stage from a socially immature solitary and onlooker type of play, to a more socially mature associative and cooperative type of play.
–Associative play – when the child is interested in the people playing but not in the activity they are doing, or when there is no organized activity at all. There is a substantial amount of interaction involved, but the activities are not coordinated.
–Cooperative play – when a child is interested both in the people playing and in the activity they are doing. In cooperative play, the activity is organized, and participants have assigned roles. There is also increased self-identification with a group, and a group identity may emerge. Relatively uncommon in the preschool years because it requires the most social maturity and more advanced organization skills. An example would be a game of freeze tag.
Right after school, they may “mess” with us. It is an expression of needing to re-connect. They need us to say “I missed you”, and they are not sophisticated enough to do this in a positive way. So, GIVE THEM THE TIME, even if it’s five (5) minutes. People are the most generous, compliant, helpful when they are given time. Also, directly acknowledge the situation: “We’re so busy! Let’s take a moment….”
Roleen recommends a great new article by Betsy Braun Brown, posted on her site here: betsybrownbraun.com/2012/05/13/the-right-to-be-unhappy
–It’s about how it’s ok to feel things, to sit with feelings. “That’s sad. I’m sad, too. Let’s sit here together…” Experiencing the spectrum of emotions gives us a place of empathy, and brushing over them undermines an opportunity to develop this capacity.
–If you haven’t been to her site, it’s really fantastic, packed with useful stuff — and endorsed by Roleen. The link has a permanent home in the NSW Blog sidebar, but it’s a little buried. betsybrownbraun.com — go there. Now.
General discipline…
— Take a moment to see, and report, what they are doing. Then address the consequence. Remember, they don’t yet have the ability to plan for results — they don’t yet know how to get OUT of a situation.
— NOTE: reporting, noting, does not exclude being firm… it is not giving in, or being too permissive.
— If you do have a “big” reaction in the moment, remember to go back and address it later. “I was really surprised when that happened!”
— another spectrum: PERMISSIVE (your rules) <> AUTHORITATIVE (guided) <> AUTHORITARIAN (my rules). That middle ground is the sweet spot.
A crucial part of establishing a strong foundation in the home: THIS IS A PLACE WHERE WE WILL LISTEN TO YOU
Lev (EW, of notetaker Jona) experiences emotional extremes connected with blood sugar. I expressed a concern about explicitly connecting food with emotion for him, ie “If you’re sad, eat!” Roleen feels it’s ok with a more thoughtful phrasing: “You’re body is telling you that you need to eat some healthy food!” We need to learn how to listen to our bodies.
Extrinsic vs Intrinsic Rewards
— Think about letting children feel their own internal reward, rather than the external reward of our praise. Disengage a little in this case, turn the feelings back on them: “How did that make you feel when you did that?” “It feels good to do the right thing.” Again, be a reporter, notice them, notice what they do. Our response is everything.
— This comes from the theorist Alfie Kohn. More wikipedia for you:
“ One of Kohn’s most widely circulated articles is “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!'” which argues that praise, like other forms of extrinsic inducements, tends to undermine children’s commitment to whatever they were praised for doing (i.e. children are taught to do things in order to get praise rather than do the things because it is right to do so, or because it is enjoyable to do so). Later, he expanded this critique to suggest that positive reinforcement, like certain forms of punitive “consequences,” amount to forms of conditional parenting, in which love is made contingent on pleasing or obeying the parent.”
— here’s the link to that article: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
— here’s a cut-and-paste from a section of the article that seems most immediately useful:
“And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? [instead of “Good Job!”] Consider three possible responses:
–Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be “reinforced” because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.
–Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement (“You put your shoes on by yourself” or even just “You did it”) tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: “This mountain is huge!” “Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!” If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack.” This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing.
–Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking “What was the hardest part to draw?” or “How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?” is likely to nourish his interest in drawing.”
… quick note on sexuality
— This is the age of masturbation (or really any age is the age. . .) and it might surprise us. Roleen says: “My daughter learned to masturbate in preschool.” Although it is not an official, circle-time-reflected topic of Reggio-guided instruction… it may come up. It is not too early to say “these are your private parts” and “that is meant to be a private moment”…
Amazing how rich in theory these Coffeetalks can be. To wrap it up, here are two additional models touched on in the course of our casual, laughy-laughy, ever-rewarding 90 minutes. Food for thought, to say the least:
Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development
1. Hopes: Trust vs. Mistrust (Birth-2 years)
2. Will: Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt (2-4 years)
3. Purpose: Initiative vs. Guilt (4-5 years)
4. Competence: Industry vs. Inferiority (5-12 years)
5. Fidelity: Identity vs. Role Confusion (13-19 years)
6. Love: Intimacy vs. Isolation (20-24, or 20-40 years)
7. Care: Generativity vs. Stagnation (25-64, or 40-64 years)
8. Wisdom: Ego Integrity vs. Despair (65-death)
Executive Function Skills, from “Mind in the Making” by Ellen Galinsky (2010)
–Focus and Self Control
–Perspective Taking
–Communicating
–Making Connections
–Critical Thinking
–Taking on Challenges
–Self-Directed Engaged Learning
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