Notes from Aug. 28th’s Coffee with Roleen 
The Holz family hosted our group last Thursday morning with a delicious breakfast and warm company. Conversation was rich, open, honest and full of laughter, especially the laughter of recognition as so many of us have the same questions, issues and concerns (and Roleen so effortlessly put us all at ease). Looking back, we covered an incredible range of topics! Here are some takeaways from our discussion – the voice is mainly Roleen’s unless otherwise noted. Please forgive the paraphrasing…
The Importance of Context
Some years ago a teacher came to Roleen and said, “You have to get this mom out of my classroom she’s always watching me.” The mom’s take: “I can’t get enough of her. She says all the right things.” In the Reggio Emilia philosophy no one knows more or better, everyone simply has different experiences. That’s what our community and events like these are about, sharing experiences. Just as the children and teachers are building relationships, this is a different building of relationship.
Seasons
Issues often come up at the same times of year. As Halloween approaches we talk about fears and times of transition, then there are the holidays and we discuss what comes up, when, for example, someone visits and sleeps in your room, etc. The important thing with children is to respect who you are, respect who they are and understand that our reactions stem from many different things, including our position within our families, birth order, etc.
Parent Emotions
Some parents expressed feeling emotional about our children starting school.
This is the time when people question whether they should have sent their kids off to school or kept them home. If you know theory, what you’re feeling (and what the children are feeling) is disequilibrium.
Jean Piaget explains the stages: Accommodation, then Assimilation– right now, we’re all taking in new info as the routine is changing. You may think your children are maniacs at home but it’s because they are pulling it off at school, watching, observing the rules, seeing what will happen when someone gets in trouble, etc. Until we can assimilate everything and “get” the rules, we’re in disequilibrium. Understanding the theory takes the emotion out of it.
Pre-Operational
Children of this age are “pre-operational.” They can’t logically think things through, everything is now. Concepts have to be tangible, able to be held, in order to get through.
I Don’t Care
If your child is challenging you with statements such as “I don’t care,” what do you do?
Validate their feelings: “I’m telling you information you don’t want to hear.” Rephrase without a question (questions can be intimidating): “Tell me more about that.” Get in research mode, find out information: “Tell me in a different tone, because I want to hear more.” This all ties in with the values of Reggio – the first value being that the image of the child is strong, and they have a right to have the feelings they have, aand the second value being that teachers are researchers.
If you want answers find terminology that will get the circle going. If they don’t want to talk about it, you can be respectful and table it and say “Tell me when you’re ready, because I want to hear more.” You could even draw the situation or role play to give them something tangible to work with.
Sometimes a tantrum stems from them trying to express themselves but only knowing how to do it in a negative. And they also know that that’s where they can get you to probe further, because if they say they had a great day, you may leave it at that. If they said to you, “Please put down your phone and play with me,” you’d say, “Sure, just give me a few minutes.” If a child is happy, you’re busy. But if something’s wrong, then you lean in. Make sure you get in quality time before they fall apart. And if you can’t do it right when they want it, make sure there’s a tangible they can hold on to, maybe have a little piece of paper and say “Let’s write that down, because at 7:00 we’re going to have quality time.” You may think carting them around while you do errands is spending time, but it’s not, we’re distracted. Even 15 minutes of dedicated time (without phones, etc.) is enough to connect with your child and make them feel heard.
Reconnection
Find a way to reconnect after school pickup. Whether it’s “I found a book and saved it for you,” and you take some time to read together, or another ritual to come up with, make that time to reconnect. Don’t bombard them with errands on the way home, etc. They need that reconnection time to stave off tantrums and negative attention.
I Don’t Want to Go To School
How do we lean into this comment? We can validate their feelings and give them words to maybe describe what they are feeling: “You’re doing a lot, you’re learning people’s names and all the rules. It’s not easy, I know.”
How Was Your Day?
We know you’re dying to know, but for the kids it’s a ridiculous question. First, in their egocentric stage of development they think you already know everything they did anyway. Secondly, recognize why you are asking – it’s about you. If they say “I had a great day,” and don’t elaborate, don’t ask specifics. Say, “tell me more.” It’s hard to not ask questions but definitely try not to ask anything you already know the answer to. Use the blogs to start a dialogue about the community, not: “Did you paint today too?” Use the appointment sheets (above the sign-in book) as a conversation starter.
DON’T MAKE CONVERSATION ABOUT PEE-PEE ACCIDENTS, NAPS AND LUNCH. You have any information you need about bathroom accidents and naps from our notes. If you want information about lunch, email the teachers. It could be that your child didn’t eat that much today because they were having a conversation, or they ate a lot at snack time. Don’t make a big deal about it. These are control areas, so if you make a big deal they will start to dig in because those are the only things they can control.
One parent offers up that their daughter was using bathroom time as a way to spend time together because when she had to go to the bathroom the parent would drop everything to take her.
If something like that is happening, think about your connection time. You could say, “Ok, let’s choose a book so we can read after you go to the bathroom,” and start to ease away. Or, “I notice you’re singing, let’s do that after you’re finished.” If you notice things, then you can address the change.
Respecting Others Space/Bodies
If there’s hitting, etc., talk about how you as the parent have a responsibility to make sure everyone feels comfortable and safe. Use “I”, not “You.” “If you’re not ok, I’m not ok.” Ask, for example: “If you were Grandma, how do you think she feels right now?” “How do you think the cat feels right now?” Personifying it makes it less personal.
Physical Manifestations of Stress
Some kids bite nails, others may pull their hair, there are a number of physical ways that kids deal with stress. They are dealing with a lot of change, they are doing amazingly well and they are supposed to fall apart at home. This is normal. If you are concerned about what they are doing to relieve stress, try not to draw too much attention. Involve them in the solution. Perhaps redirect them toward a doll or transitional object. If they are sucking their thumb say “Thumb, you need to be out of the mouth,” instead of “Take your thumb out of your mouth.” Give them the ability to let you know that they need the stress relief so then you can give them a healthier alternative instead.
Restaurants and Other Trips Outside the Home
How can you keep from losing your mind when what you thought would be a fun trip out of the house turns into a meltdown?
Prep the kids first. Where are we going? What will it be like? Involve them in it. Look at a menu online. Talk in advance about what you’re going to order. Model respect for the community – going crazy in a restaurant isn’t ok. Talk about protocol – no bouncing around, etc. Prep them in the car on the way there, or in the parking lot before you get out of the car. “What’s our plan? What if it doesn’t work, what are we going to do?” If they see other people doing something you’ve said isn’t allowed, say “We’re working on our own family rules. Everyone’s family has different rules, but we’re working on our own today.”
Try to Change “But” to “And”
“It’s hard isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had the same rules, and they aren’t.”
Add “Yet”
“We’re not doing that yet.” “We’re not there yet.” That puts a positive spin on things (ends conversation on a positive note.)
Regression
Regression is part of being in disequilibrium. It sounds negative but it is merely the ability to go back to where we feel safe. When we are in a new situation, our first reaction is to go back to what we know because we’re not comfortable. But then kids realize that life doesn’t move backward; what they thought was safe has changed and that’s uncomfortable too (for example, graduates returning to old classroom expecting it to still be ‘theirs’ but it “belongs” to new students instead.) Knowing the theory behind regression takes the guilt and stress out of it. If your child says “I want to be a baby again,” that’s totally normal. Role play it.
Safety
Now that our kids are going out into the world, how do we talk to 3-year-olds about “stranger danger,” etc., without scaring them or planting something in their rich imaginations?
Three years old is too little to “get it.” They are developmentally preoperational. But the piece we do want to nurture in kids is the “red flag feeling.” If they feel uncomfortable about something, don’t say, “Don’t feel that way.” Sit with it. We’re losing our instincts because we wave those feelings away.
We think that we are protecting them by shielding them from things that might be scary. But we should be trying to empower them by giving them tools to maneuver the world. Some years ago there was a neighbor, Joe, who every Halloween used to decorate his lawn with a witch that cackled. Parents used to walk their kids all the way around Joe’s house so that they wouldn’t get scared of the witch. So in school we said, “We noticed that you kids are avoiding Joe’s house because of the witch. Maybe Joe doesn’t know that it’s scary. Maybe we should tell him.” So we wrote Joe some notes and a group of us went over to deliver them and ask Joe ourselves. Well Joe had no idea that it was scary, and he talked to the kids and took the batteries out of the witch to show them, and Joe became our friend.
Parents’ suggestions for safety
_”If we get separated, find a mom with her kids. Moms are really good at finding other moms.”
_Have a family safe word. If someone says they need to pick you up instead of your mom or dad, ask them what the safe word is. If they don’t know it but insist on taking you anyway, tell them to call your mom or dad so that we can tell them the safe word.
_ One of the parents shared that a friendly neighbor with children told her and her child to come inside their house which made her feel uncomfortable. A possible response could be, “That’s a nice invitation but we don’t know you yet.” If your kid is asking to go somewhere: “We don’t know him/her yet. We need to have double playdate with the parents.”
Their Bodies
Exploring bodies is a part of exploring their world. 3 year olds move on to lots of other things. At 4, they are more curious. Masturbation is developmentally normal. It’s self-soothing. We just need to give parameters that it’s not ok to do in public. Just say “It looks like you need private time. Your body is private.” If it’s happening a lot, then we look at that.
Grieving
By modeling, you can help children process feelings around grief and death. We do this with pets in class. Betsy Brown Braun has a book called Just Tell Me What to Say and addresses this a bit and is a good beginning reference. Should the conversation around death spark the question “Will you die Mommy?”, we have an immediate emotional response. So much of what we have or not have processed affects our response. It’s important they know that you’re hearing them. You can say “I am planning on being here for your graduation and all your birthdays, and getting married and ……………………..I plan on being here for a long time, I have lots of stuff to do.” That often satisfies them but if not, remember not to give them more information than they’re actually asking.
They may be confused about concepts of death, heaven, etc., because they have heard different ideas from people. You can say “Everyone has a different idea and a lot of people think a lot of different things.” Then be prepared for them to ask: “What do you think?”
If kids are attending a memorial service/wake, prep them. They may be confused because people will be laughing while reminiscing even as some people are crying. Memory books are good because that’s something tangible. Give them a journal book to write notes, that can help them process what they are feeling (“You’re thinking about her,”) and move on.
Wow! That was a lot of information to read all at once. You had to be there! Mark your calendars for the next gathering (place TBD) on October 21st.
Minutes taken by Jennifer Zonnas (Sebastian’s mom)