Coffee with Roleen Notes

So just what IS Coffee With Roleen?

The Coffees were started to give parents a place to talk about any and all the things on their minds. “Since we couldn’t stand and talk in the courtyard all day, we ended up talking for hours in the driveway. Then a parent suggested they take it to her house”, says Roleen.  Now, the Coffees with Roleen happen monthly, at the home of any parent who wants to host them and the suggested $10 donation goes into a “kitty” to support the teachers ongoing professional development. There’s some coffee (of course) and breakfast stuff, and it’s a great place to bring up your thoughts and questions. Then we write up the notes and put them on the blog, so if you are trying to remember what was said, or if you missed it, you can refer to them.  All the past notes are on the blog on the right under “Coffee with Roleen”.

It’s the beginning of the school year. So we talk about transitions. They’re hard. We need to know that our children are working so hard. They are “pulling it off” and anytime there’s a change, you have to walk through that feeling of “I’m not sure of myself.” Our first instinct is to go backwards during this time of imbalance.

“It’s really about theory”, says Roleen. “It’s from Jean Piaget. Anytime there’s change, and you’re taking in new information, you’re building schema. You take in the new information, and you’re assimilating it, but new information tweaks you and until you have fully accommodated this new info, you become unsure of yourself, which creates a state of disequilibrium.  That’s when you want to go back to what you know.  You want to be on solid ground again. It happens to all of us and so you’ll see this in your children, too. It’s important to understand this stage, recognize it, don’t try to pretend it’s not there. Just walk through it.  Your children may be upset because they’re not sure of themselves.”

They’re still testing object permanance. . .especially the younger ones. If you go away, will you come back? If I leave what I’m doing to go to the bathroom, will it still be there? That’s why the routines need to be solid. Because they have to understand what’s a sure thing to feel safe and secure.

They are doing their work and your work is to trust them. . . to know that they can do it.  You can say, “I know you can do it. AND I know it’s really hard.  I’m here to walk you/us through it.“

We need to learn what they are REALLY saying. When they tell you, “I don’t want to go to school”, it means, “It’s HARD.” But this is the gift you’re giving your children. You don’t have to fix it. But you want to understand what may be hard for them. Maybe they don’t know all the people, the routines, how to use the materials, etc.

“He doesn’t like me”.  “He doesn’t want to play with me”.  This may just mean he doesn’t want to play your game. Or they don’t know how to include another person in the game they’re playing.

They don’t know how to say these things, and so it’s important to understand what they may be thinking to give them the words.  “It’s hard to learn new ways of doing things.” Or “You are really working hard at making new friends.”  This is what they’re working on. Problem-solving these situations.

It’s hard sometimes when the children are getting to know each other. You can talk to them about it.  Know, also, there are stages of play and each child has their own personal experiences that have them developing at different levels.  Google Mildred Parten and read about the Stages of Play and learn more about Solitary, Onlooker, Parallel, Associative, and Cooperative play.

Adults have to facilitate this language. That’s what the teachers are doing. As parents, we automatically react because we don’t want to see our children suffer but the struggle is good.  To learn how to problem solve and work through challenges is good. Knowing that they’re not alone is the piece that is crucial.  We offer supportive  facilitators in the process.  Not fixers.

Be careful not to ask a lot of questions.  Just because you want to know what’s happening, doesn’t mean you have the right to intrude on your children’s space.  Too often they won’t tell you what happens in school, anyway. And, really, there’s so much that happens.  It could be too big of a question this “What did you do today?”  Sometimes I can’t even answer that question.  I know I was busy!

The blog was created to help you “see” what might be going on at school.  Look at it with them.  It’s not about finding their picture but seeing the work in various spaces.  Report back what you see and read.  If you see a child painting on the blog, rather than asking, “Did you paint today?” you can show them the picture and read what’s said and just listen to see if they have any comments.  Use it as a possible jumping-off place for conversation. And you can relax a little, and let it be their experience.

Set up a parameter for talking about your day. At dinner, for example, set it up to be a social time. Have everyone talk about his or her day but be cautious about probing for information by asking too many questions.

I bring up that Jake really hates nap. He has never napped during the day, so it’s really hard for him. Roleen suggests I bring the problem to Jake. What might help him? What could we bring? You do want your child to know how to self-sooth. Figure out what he could do that’s soothing.

Imonie, too, is having a problem with this, because they’re weaning her off the pacifier. Roleen suggests writing down what her feelings are with her. “We’re going to keep writing down ideas”. The major issues need to be acknowledged. In order to get to the other side of these big feelings, they need to be acknowledged.  And remember it takes sometimes six weeks to break a habit.

Maybe the kids could get a clipboard and do an investigation—what do other kids do to relax? What do they bring with them?

Maybe you could talk about all the things that are hard. And you could put down what’s hard for you as well. Life can be hard.

When you “blow it with your kids” admit it. Go back, recognize you might have made a mistake, “I want to do it differently.” That’s apology enough. Don’t get into a trap of too much apologizing. You just made a mistake, you’re recognizing it, that’s enough. You goofed. Don’t get into the guilt piece. “It’s such a wasted emotion.”  Our goal is to learn from our mistakes and remember the importance of responding to situations rather than reacting.

We talked a little about Erikson’s stages of development (google for more information) which speaks to the importance of understanding the effect we have on our children’s development in relation to this response vs. reaction.

For example, they spill something. They can help clean it up. That creates autonomy. You don’t want to go into shame or guilt:

“Look, now I have to clean it up” or “I told you so.” Which is all about the shame.  Allow them to be mad at you, with acceptable parameters. “I said something you didn’t like. You’re upset with me.”

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean giving in. The child should not run the household.  You are a family together.

You can say, “This isn’t working for me” and not feel guilty. Certain things are non-negotiable. But you can talk about it. “It seems like brushing your teeth is getting harder. Let’s talk about that. You have to do it, but maybe you could do it at a different time, etc”. The WAY something is done may be negotiable.

Consequences

You can decide how sophisticated your child is in terms of consequences. The 4 and 5 year olds definitely get it.  In the moment of their upset, they are IN IT. They can’t think logically or be reasonable. But you can talk about it ahead of time in preparation for the possibility that it will happen again: “Last night was really hard, I don’t want tonight to be like that. We’ve got to come up with a plan so that doesn’t happen again.”  Once you’ve agreed on a plan together, you also have to talk about what will happen if the agreement is broken.  Come up with consequences together. The consequences should be logical, not simply punishments. Make sure they’re in on the rules. Make them part of the plan.

Transitions: The End of the Day

This is when you want to think about the power of RE-CONNECTING. Everyone needs to reconnect at the end of the day. We forget how important that is for them. We pick them up, race home, or to pick up siblings, we’re cooking, etc.  Night tends to fall apart.

Think about taking time to re-connect. Consider taking a moment in between picking up a sibling. Or sitting in the car for a few minutes, even, reading a book or talking. It can be just a few minutes, but it makes a huge difference.

Trusting That Your Kids CAN DO IT

They are so much more capable than we realize. Roleen told a story about washing her daughter’s hair when she was around 3 and a half. It was always a struggle, and hard for both of them. Her daughter wanted to wash her own hair, but Roleen thought she wouldn’t know how and insisted on doing it and the battled only got worse.  Finally she let her do it, and found out that not only did she do it fantastically well, but she never got soap in her eyes. But what came out of it was not just the experience but the reality check that sometimes it’s our own power struggle that gets us stuck.

Negotiations

When you’re negotiating with your child it can feel like they are ‘winning”. But negotiating is empowering them to be a part of it.  You can work it out together.

There’s also parent-to-parent negotiating. You can’t co-parent in isolation, or in front of your child. You need to get together separately to talk about your values, how you want to parent.

We get sucked into being so busy.  We need to figure things out in a way that’s successful. Maybe private counseling would help. Parenting is not easy and because we are all so busy, we don’t always take the time to figure things out together and when we’re “in it” it’s too late.

Sleep

When YOU are not happy with the way sleep is going, and with the routine, you can talk about this as a family. Do not try to talk about this AT bedtime. Choose a good time when you can sit down as a family. “There are so many things we do well as a family.“ (You can list them). “and there are some things that aren’t working as well. What can we do?” Write down the ideas.  Read back all the suggestions.  If a suggestion doesn’t feel right to any of you, than it gets eliminated as a choice.  Your job is to make sure that your child rests safely, and make sure that the house is restful. You can tell them that that’s part of what you have to do, so you need to leave their room to do that. One parent suggested leaving the room for short periods of time and coming back. You can also tell them exactly what you’re doing. “I’m going to make a cup of tea”, etc. Kids are visual. It can help them to have that visual image.

Gathering Ideas

Your child may not be ready to make a certain change. But you can facilitate that. Have them be involved. Gathering ideas is really important. That phrase, “Do you have any ideas?” or “What are your plans?”  Write them down. And don’t worry, if they aren’t ready to give you ideas, you can come up with some and write them down. Then go through them together.

Play that seems inappropriate

Roleen told the story of when there were a bunch of children who would play Power Rangers all day long and it became a real problem at school.  They used to ban the play but soon realized that you can’t really stop the play.  Now, they dive into these games with them understanding that it’s the power of the game that is what is important.  “This is something you really want to do. I want to make sure everyone’s safe and I want to understand all the rules of the game.” Sometimes they would spend the whole time figuring out the rules, and that ended up being as important for them as actually playing it. When it comes to kids being left out, we need to have them come together, what are the rules? Facilitate that. Make sure that no one’s being ostracized. If you are dealing with other parents, you can talk to the other parent about it: “It felt like someone was left out. I have a thought about this…”

The outside world can be hard. And you’re going to get tweaked when you think your child’s getting hurt. But it’s important to take the victimization out of it. You can say to your child, “That was really hard. You were telling that boy something and he was ignoring you.”   You can say, “ How do you want me to help?” “How do you want me to support you?”  When they are tattling, it’s because they’re stuck. They’re wanting connection. Your child can speak for themself, and you can encourage that. But you can also say, “Do you want me to walk over with you while you tell him?” In the beginning we have to help facilitate their world.

Watch out for the terms “nice” and “not nice.”  It’s not about that. People behave in certain ways because there are reasons. Putting labels on people is a mistake. We don’t know their reasons. “You said something to him, and he walked away. You really wanted him to listen to you“ as opposed to “ That wasn’t nice of him.” Or “ He wasn’t being nice.”

In terms of movies and stories with bad guys, you can always say, “ I wonder what the bad guy is thinking?” “ What are your ideas about that?” We don’t need to give answers. A lot of the time we’re answering them when we’re not even sure what they’re asking. Find out.

It was another great morning.  Thank you, Tara and Craig (Genevieve’s parents), for hosting.  The food was yummy and company even better.  Thanks to all of you parents for being so supportive, sharing ideas, and remembering to laugh.  Looking forward to seeing you next month.    Kathe (Jake’s mom)