New to this year, we have Kathe and Jeffrey (Jake, WW) who will be giving us a summary of all the intriguing topics that come up at Coffee with Roleen each month. Take a look below and learn about developmental issues and school/home issues that parents discussed with Roleen at this month’s meeting.
Coffee with Roleen, September 2010 (Thanks to the Lawsons for opening their home!)
Here are the main points of discussion of last week’s Coffee with Roleen, a forum for parents to bring up what’s on their minds, what’s happening with their children, and, as Roleen explained, to adjust the framing on how we look at what they’re doing, and how we talk to them. If we understand the levels of development, then we will understand what’s going on and see that when behaviors shift, there’s a reason.
**The Power of Language
One of the biggest themes throughout was that our children simply want to be seen and validated, and there is importance and power in the language that we use when communicating with them. We want to be collaborating with our kids.
Example: “ I don’t like this, how can we find a better way?”
We often go into a lecture when it’s not going to be heard, as opposed to identifying with the child, getting into their shoes and validating what they see.
Example: “You don’t like it when I say ‘No’ to you, it’s hard for you to hear. You’re upset but I won’t let you hit me.”
**Re-visiting a Conflict or Situation
Another tool is to re-visit the conflict or situation after your child has calmed down. Talk about what happened, go over it with them to come up with a solution together. Revisiting doesn’t mean that you’re giving in to your child or their whims. It is a way to validate them their feelings.
If you do yell or get out of control with your child, it’s important to re-visit that with them. We usually do not take the time to do this, because after a “bad” scene, we want to move on and get away from it. How do you go backwards when you’re sorry about the way you’ve communicated, or they’ve mimicked a habit?
Example: “ I got upset, and you got upset. We have to come up with a better plan if that happens again.” Then you brainstorm together and collaborate on ideas and solutions.
Example: “I’ve been re-thinking about what I’ve said”, or “Have you noticed I’ve been raising my voice a lot more lately?”, etc.
Language is important when you’re frustrated or upset with your child. It’s not about blaming and avoid “You” statements like “You are making me angry.” etc.), but rather, use “I” language:
Example: “I’m frustrated that we are always late getting out the door in the morning. We’ve got to fix this problem.”
**The Power of Undivided Attention
If you are finding that your child is acting out with you at the end of the school day, remember that all day long they are with other people, and the dearest person to them, their mom or dad, is the person they CAN act out with. This would be a good time to sit and bond with no distractions, i.e. sit and read a book to them in the car before heading home.
It doesn’t take much time. 100% of you for a moment can make a world of difference. That short uninterrupted time is miraculous. This goes for your partners, too. Also, we are addicted to our technology, and our kids know it. When all is peaceful, and our kids are playing, we take the time to do things for ourselves, check our email, etc. If your children start pulling on you, or melting down, this is because they need your attention, and they’ve learned the pattern that they will get it by doing that. But it is important to give yourself time, so here’s a suggestion: Set up a scheduled time just for you and your child, when they know they will have 100% of your attention. If something comes up during the day that you cannot address, let them know you will address it during your time together.
If they blow you off for other things during that time, you make clear to them, “O.K., that’s fine, but this is still our time together so I’ll be sitting here if you need me” etc.
**Social Cues
Sometimes you do find yourselves in public situations where there are restrictions, for instance, in restaurants.
Laura shared that Mary Hartzell suggests that you plan ahead when going to a restaurant with your child, setting clear expectations. Example: “It’s a place to sit and eat without distracting other people. If it becomes too hard to do that, we will leave and go back home.” She also said to plan on “not eating” because it will be important to follow through with the plan and actually leave if you have to.
Don’t wait too long to try it again with the reminder of the expectation and consequence. Remember, too, that you might have to wait to take your children to a restaurant until they are ready. In the meantime, get a babysitter and go out yourselves.
As for kids being naked or touching themselves in public, you don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but it’s important to teach them what’s socially acceptable. What’s okay at home is sometimes not okay in public. Betsy Brown Braun’s book Just Tell Me What To Say is a good resource for referencing these “touchy” subjects.
**Miscellaneous Tips and Tools
The Time Timer. The kids can set the 5 minutes, for example, themselves, and see visually how much time they have. It empowers them and lets them have some control.
Visual Calendars are also a tool that empowers them, lets them see when they will be doing things.
When everyone in the family has different needs: Sit down and come up with a plan together. Write down what everyone wants, and come up with a solution as a family.
Wishlists are great. Writing down requests or wants doesn’t mean you have to buy them. It means “I hear you”. To be heard is so important and validates the need to be noticed. If we have that, then we have peace of mind.
Give kids choices whenever possible, i.e. “ Do you want to do it in 5 minutes or 10 minutes?”
Parenting from the Inside Out by Mary Hartzell is a great resource book that supports our need to figure out what’s “our stuff” so we can respond rather than react to the behaviors we don’t like and would like to change.
When kids get older, we need to follow their changes. Kids grow and shift every 6 months, so you may need to. For example, if bedtime is getting more and more difficult, you might want to look at adjusting the time and make bedtime 15 min. later.