It was another great morning filled with friendship that supported so much honesty and trust. Thanks, Heidi and Kenny (Harrison EW), for opening your lovely home for our second Coffee for the year. We always cover a lot of information, all led by everyone’s questions that connect us all. I think it’s the shifting of language and the importance of understanding that behaviors mean something and slowing down enough to really “see” what’s going on is the key to this new parenting style. That, and the power of reconnecting after a day away from each other. In this busy world we live in, that’s really hard, and yet absolute necessary. Children want us. . . all the time. You may say that they “have you” 24/7 but do they really? When they seem to be spiraling or “out of control”, stop and revisit your schedule. If it’s crazy for you, it’s got to be really crazy for them. When children feel out of control or powerless, they will try to gain power the only way they know to get your attention. Think about it.
It’s also a new concept that children can be a part of the problem solving/consequences process. As family members, it is their right. Too often people see this as children “ruling the roost”. Rather, by setting the parameters and foundation with the checks and balances together, you are still very much in charge. It is in this process together that the family can reach a respectful agreement and there is ownership to what will happen next. And if the “agreement” doesn’t work? You can then decide when to “go back to the drawing board” to reflect and replan together. You have to remember, however, that this doesn’t happen overnight and you have to give everyone the time needed to “break the habit”. (ex: changing morning or bedtime routines). Remember, too, that it is the children’s “job” to test us. Do you really mean what you say? What might seem as “mean” is actually a gift for children to know what’s expected.
Our Pragmatics Night with me and the teachers on November 15th will be great night to explore language and learn more about developmental stages and what behaviors might mean. We hope you can join us. 6:45 to 9:00. Here’s the link to let us know you’re coming.
Our next Coffee with Roleen is scheduled for Tuesday, February 5th, 2019, at the Lavins’ home (Charlie and Jake EW and Lucy WW).
Some reflections from the morning:
I love opening my home and gathering community, so thank you all for coming! My biggest takeaways and reminders from the day: Communicate in a tangible way when plans and routines change or aren’t going well, include them in making the plan for what the consequences are, and an overall perspective of seeing it from a 4 year olds point of view. This was such a helpful discussion and I’m looking forward to the next one!
Heidi (Harrison EW)
It was interesting to hear such totally universal themes about discipline, control and power struggles. (Well, I have a feeling we’ll all be going through those until at least teenagehood!) I appreciated the emphasis on a collaborative and creative problem solving that gives children a place in the community of our families and a feeling of autonomy and dignity. So much of what we carry with us about discipline is about how to exert power over our children, giving up that culturally ingrained mindset is work. Tara (Moss WW)
Thank you for your time and all your insights. I honestly feel like our family is so lucky to be at New School West right now. It’s such a great fit for the boys and the family overall.
My best takeaway was when I asked what to do when you lose your temper. I know to apologize, but many times I find I have to fill the space after with a justification, even though I KNOW IT IS WRONG and I would call out my kids for doing it. What you said was so valuable, because it was a script I could use. You told me to say something like: I feel really bad I lost my temper, how is everyone else feeling?
I haven’t gotten to use it yet, and hopefully I won’t need to any time soon, but it feels good to have that tool. Kelly (Jude and Ozzy WW)
Your words of wisdom truly helped us this evening. We had a gathering of the minds to define our evening book time and made a list of what we all want from book time.
No tantrums, no screaming, total cooperation and participation from all. Yay!! Thank you thank you
Best, Mariel (Crosby EW)
No tantrums, no screaming, total cooperation and participation from all. Yay!! Thank you thank you
IN HONOR OF MARY HARTZELL
As I put these notes and reflections together, I can’t help but think about my dear colleague who passed away this month. Many of you know Mary Hartzell as the director of First Presbyterian Nursery School in Santa Monica for over 30 years. She also co-wrote the book Parenting from the Inside Out with Dan Siegel and was an inspiration to so many parents and children. For me, she was a loving mentor who introduced me to the Reggio approach to education and walked the talk when it came to honoring teachers by hosting professional development retreats and inviting others into their learning process. She left us an amazing legacy that continues to inspire us. Check out this link for Tips For Managing The Stress of Parenting
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1BxTe8cGWg in support of our conversation during our morning Coffee. We’re in it together. xoR
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1BxTe8cGWg in support of our conversation during our morning Coffee. We’re in it together. xoR