Dear Roleen,
My daughter loves to suck her thumb. Ever since we went to the dentist a few months ago, and he discussed with us the need to stop, she has been sucking her thumb even more. The pediatrician recommended a reward system to encourage her to stop (a calendar with stickers), which didn't fly. I know it offers her so much comfort. Do you have any advice?
Many thanks,
Nervous Mommy
Dear Nervous Mommy,
My first advice to you is to relax — I know that’s a hard thing to do when guilt starts taking over, adding yet another item on the pressure list of things to do to be that “perfect parent”! Whew! Thumb sucking is something everyone has an opinion about and there are lots of so-called “remedies” to solve what is proposed to be a terrible problem. You can Google “thumb-sucking” to see that this is a pretty good market to tap. Your daughter is sucking even more because with the initial conversation, she knows that you’ve already taken away something that gives her great pleasure. It’s not unlike the “five minute call” which we use to prepare our children for the next step. We have come to expect the moans and groans and the endless negotiation dialogue. It is their way of saying they’re not ready to stop what they’re doing. 
Rosemarie Van Norman, who is
a Certified Orofacial Myologist (an expert on thumb and finger sucking), says that thumb sucking actually makes the brain produce endorphins, which calm the body and give the child pleasure. “There’s an actual change in body chemistry that takes place when a child sucks his thumb.” That’s what your daughter is feeling, and so you telling her not to feel this comfort does not make sense to her. It’s really hard to expect a preschooler to break a habit because developmentally, they are still in the “immediate gratification” stage.
Telling them something that is meaningless to them is just that. Meaningless. That’s likely why the sticker idea didn’t work. It’s something you proposed without considering what the child wants. Breaking a habit such as thumb sucking is impossible if your child isn’t a part of the decision to quit. Preschoolers only understand the pleasure they get from doing something, not the reason why adults don’t want them to do it. They don’t care what they look like, so the worry of crooked teeth won’t impact on them, and they live minute to minute, so rewards “tomorrow” might just as well mean “in 100 years”!
Understanding this developmental stage is the beginning of helping your child participate in the process of weaning herself from thumb sucking. Ask her how she’s feeling about what the dentist said. Support those feelings and if she doesn’t express them, you can use the words for her. “It must be hard to hear the dentist tell us he thinks it’s time to stop sucking your thumb. It’s something you really like to do. He’s worried about your teeth. That’s his job.” Allow some time for the idea to sink in. Validate what your child is saying and let her know it’s something you are going to work on together. You don’t have to make any decisions right away. You are processing the steps and exploring ways to begin to make the changes.
A few years ago I remember this conversation coming up at one of the Coffees with Roleen. One of the moms shared that she started talking to her child’s thumb as a way to start the conversation. * “You know we’re talking about you. The dentist said that we need to tell you to stay out of Robin’s mouth. Do you think you can help?” It’s not unlike what we do in the classroom when we use Persona Dolls to help the children problem solve. By using “a third person” in the dialogue, children don’t feel the problem is about them and they can be a part of the process of finding a solution more readily. The pressure of being blamed or labeled is off. The child is able to take control of the situation because it is no longer about “her.”
Just remember that it takes time, patience, understanding and the belief that you can do it to break a habit. Hope this helps. Good luck.
* Michael White and David Epston developed Narrative Therapy. Its central idea is that the person never is the problem. The person has a problem. A problem is something you have, not something you are. You don’t have to change your nature. You have to fight the influence of the problem on you life.