Happy New Year, Friends. I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday filled with enough down days to really reenergize youselves as we look ahead in our plan for good things to happen in the new year. On Tuesday, the children will be back to school and into the routines that, in many ways, settle us after unscheduled (though very fun) times. As I reflect on the year so far, I am reminded once again about what all the teachers and parents continue to teach me. Below is an Ask Roleen question (did you know there was a link for questions on the right of our blog?) that is pertinent in preparation for next week. The question was from one of our dads whose child is now in Middle School (and she and her parents came to say hi to us at our Holiday Bazaar!). Even now, through documentation, they continue to be a part of NSW (even though anonymously). I love it!! The question is a good one and it’s a reminder of the importance of planning ahead and talking to our children about what’s to happen before it actually happens. It’s a valuable part of empowering them in their life’s experiences that are really out of their control. By planning ahead, there is dialogue and with that, listening. And, listening, my dear friends, is the key to everything. Read, take note, and enjoy. Talk with you soon. XoxoxoR
Dear Roleen:
We’ve noticed that when we came back from Winter Vacation, our child experienced morning separation anxiety. While we expected some of this anxiety, we were surprised that it was actually more intense than what was experienced in the fall. Is this something we will have to work through after each break? And how best can we prepare our child for it? Signed, A Little Surprised
Dear Surprised, Here’s what you need to remember. . . you are still, and always will be (well, at least until the developmental stage of adolescence!) be your child’s best friend. You feel good and safe, your home feels good and safe and your child likes the feeling of the predictability and routine that you offer. . . and you’ve probably had a lot of uninterrupted time together (and if they’re the only child at home, they’ve been king/queen of the castle!) Coming back to school (or work) after the holidays is hard for all of us and that doesn’t mean that we don’t like where we’re going or what we’re doing. It just means that it’s time to shift the routine, to think differently and that’s hard. The “honeymoon is over”, so to speak.
I always think it’s a good idea to reflect on what “might happen” to give the child (and yourself!) a little “heads up” about how to react and to validate the feelings that go with things being different. It is about expectations. If we expect something to go one way and it doesn’t, we are confused, frustrated, and caught “off guard” and behaviors shift. By giving ourselves opportunities to “walk through” the “what ifs”, we can feel a bit more prepared with the possibilities.
“We’ve been home for a long time and it’s been really great. On Tuesday, it will be time to go back to school and our schedule will be different than what we’ve been used to.” (This is where a calendar comes in handy so the child can feel some sense of empowerment about what’s going to happen). “I wonder who will be there? I bet the teachers are planning some things for you to do. What do you think you might do?” (This is also a great time to reflect on all the things you did while on your break and create a book or photo album for your child to share with the teachers and friends when they go back to school.) Note: The teachers did send out some “homework” via the blog about investigating lights which can be shared, too.
Remember, that it’s always okay to reflect on an experience after it happened. “Going back to school seemed hard for you today (or yesterday or last time or. . .) Changing routines isn’t easy”. Knowing that you understand the feelings is key to your child. You don’t have to explain everything. Just listen and validate. You can’t protect them from those uncomfortable feelings (though so many times we want to!) and, really, walking them through the experiences builds their confidences and says to them, “You are capable. You’re not alone. You have many people to support you.”
Side note: Separation anxiety happens once the child understands “object permanence” which actually happens in the infant stage (around 8 or 9 months). “Object permanence” means that the child has come to realize that something exists even when he can’t see it. They may cry when their parents leave them because they understand that when they are not in sight, they are somewhere else. So they may make attempts to bring that important person back.