Dear Roleen,
My three year
old enjoys role playing with me:
directing me to be a semi-tyrannical parent or other character who gets
"mad" when he does this or that.
He'll say "I touch this and you get very angry." or some other variation. He really likes
this game, and tells me how I will react. I don’t mind playing along with him
but oftentimes, when I finally end the game, or he DOES touch something
inappropriately, our interaction actually does descend into some reprimand
which ends in him crying–and needing consolation.
His role playing
also includes a scenario where he is the parent leaving for work, and I'm the
baby, crying inconsolably. When he
returns from "work" the "baby" is in ecstasy, hugging
and kissing him for coming back.
Is he showing me his capabilities,
or expressing his real pain at separation? WHY is
this so enjoyable for him? Is it
enjoyable? I know children crave parameters, but do those parameters need
to include some real tears?
Signed
Just a puppet
Dear
Puppet,
Sounds like you’re both
trying to figure out what your roles are right now so let’s start off by saying
how lucky you are that your child is letting you in on some struggles he might
be having. I say this because it’s
important to know that young children can not directly tell you what’s on their
mind and it’s only through their actions and behaviors that we can pick up cues
as to what they might be thinking.
Your child can’t yet tell you that he’s worried about what the reactions
might be if he “acts up”. You’re both still adjusting to some very big changes
with the entry into preschool and he’s trying to figure out where he fits in
the new picture. By role playing
he is taking charge of his feelings by controlling what the responses will
be. Until he has totally learned
to trust (which takes some time), he may be very unsure of how the adults in
his life (in this case it could be the teachers) will react when he acts a
certain way (what we might call inappropriate) and he needs to have an acting
role with a say about the consequences. In a sense, you are his “persona doll” which allows him to
reflect on his own experiences from a distance. By assigning roles he is not only a witness to but a
participant of the circumstances of his life. Expect that he may have melt downs when you stop the
game. Just because you’re done,
doesn’t mean he is. Give him time
to be a part of knowing that the game will end.
Example: “We have time for one more game and then I have to start
dinner. Which game do you want to
play? You want to play baby? Okay, we’ll play baby for five more
minutes and then I’ll start dinner.
What will you do while I’m in the kitchen?”
The “baby” and “working
mommy” scenario is a fantastic example of his need to play out his world which
is filled with both capabilities and painful separations. Remember, you are still his very
favorite person and he’s trying to figure out how to navigate through the next
stage of development* and yet include you in the process. You’re wondering if he is really enjoying the game since
often times he breaks down. I think he’s not quite sure what he’s feeling and I
don’t think he’s playing these games for pure enjoyment. He’s playing these games because he
needs to and you’re showing him you are supporting his process by understanding
that it’s hard and with that comes tears and the need to be consoled.
* In Child Development and Education, Teresa McDevitt
and Jeanne Ormrod write that if all goes well, children spend their infancy and
toddler years learning that the world is a good place, people love them, and
they can make things happen. During
the ages of three to six years, children are now ready to face Erikson’s third
psychosocial stage of Initiative.
It is during this time that studies indicate that young children tend to
feel distressed when they break a rule or fail to live up to a standard.