Photo Set – Coffee With Roleen Recap – Oct 2010

Parents gathered to ask questions and share strategies and advice about parenting and preschooler issues at this month’s Coffee with Roleen at the home of Sari and Jacob (Hanami, EW).

Next month’s Coffee with Roleen will be at Michael and Jeff’s home (Imonie, WW) on Tuesday, November 16th from 9:30-11:30.

Special thanks to Kathe Sugarman (Jake, WW) for her note-taking and the great summary below. Read on to gain some morsels of wisdom from Roleen and our parent community!

–Documentation Committee

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Coffee with Roleen
Oct 10, 2010

I could talk about Sari’s wonderful home, the yummy spread, the fact that Roleen’s daughter was there sitting in and contributing, or about how lovely it is to have such an intimate, funny symposium on what’s coming up and what’s going down with our kids, and ourselves. But instead, let me get right down to it. I’ll just say these Coffees with Roleen are terrific, and it’s a pleasure to be able to pass on this valuable information for those of you who couldn’t be there.

*Time and Attention

Roleen says, “Remember, your child’s job is to mess with you. You’re thinking, “I’ve done all the right things and it’s not working!” Well, you’ll have to KEEP doing it. You want to keep the humor, because there are so many feelings that come up and our lives are really busy. But you have to take the time to shift things.

All your children want is YOU and because we’re so busy sometimes the only time we give them “attention” is when there’s a disagreement or discord. We want to make sure we’re letting our kids know that they’re seen even when there isn’t a problem. If they learn that they can best get your attention when there’s discord, that’s what they’ll do. Children are telling you something when they’re yelling or crying. They just don’t have a better way of telling you. They’ve been on this earth such a short time and in this preschool age, they are still in the “me” egocentric stage of development which makes it nearly impossible for them to think “logically”. It’s our job to validate their feelings while modeling more appropriate ways for getting their needs met.

It’s all about TIME. You need to take the time, even though you’re tired and busy. Recognize that even a solid 15 minutes can be enough to regroup and connect and may be “the ticket” to heading off meltdowns before they happen. So often we think it’s got to be hours of one on one (which is pretty much impossible) and so we never feel we have the time. Come up with a system in your home so your child knows they can depend on this connection time with you. They need to be able to sit with you and have eye contact, not just from the backseat of the car. Walk yourself through your routine, look to see where you’re connecting and where you’re not. Children have to have it (but, really, don’t we all?). You’re still their very best friend. Remember, too, that falling apart at home may be a way of saying, “I’m really working at doing everything right at school and it’s hard. I feel safe with you.” They’re falling apart or having meltdowns because they CAN. Giving time and giving notice BEFORE relinquishes a lot of the stuff that tantrums are about. The meltdown is usually about when they’re not getting something.

Prepare your kids when there’s going to be a change in activity. Respect that they are invested in what they’re doing and they need to have some warning and some ownership. Your time schedule is not their time schedule and very much a disruption that they have to learn how to deal with.
Example: Roleen met with a group for grandparents last year and in their dialogue about child development and ages and stages, one of the grandmothers asked about what to do with temper tantrums. Roleen had her replay the scenario that led up to the tantrum. The grandmother said that it was time for dinner and the rule in their house is that there is no TV watching at dinner time so she went and turned off the TV (which her grandson was intently watching) when it was time to eat. He threw a “fit”. Now what? When breaking down the scenario, the grandmother saw why the child was upset but how else could she enforce the rule? Prepare them. Have them be a part of the “rule”. “We will be eating soon. Do you need 5 or 10 more minutes before you turn off the TV?” If that’s a problem, you can say, “Do you want to turn off the TV or do you want me to do it?” A few of the grandparents thought that was giving in to the child but it’s important to look at it closer. The rule is still the same. What you’ve done is respected the fact that the child has a right to be a part of the action. It’s a win/win.

Family meetings are a great way to connect. Sit down with your family. Acknowledge what you’re doing well together. You can make a list with them. If there’s something you want to work on, address that, too. “ We are a family that’s really great at ____ and ___. But there are some things that aren’t working, and we have to take the time to find ways to make them work.”

Give them a choice: You set the parameters, but you’re giving them some say.

Tool: The Time Timer (can be found online at Amazon, etc). Not only can they set it themselves, but it lets them visualize exactly how much time they have.

Take the time, even just a little:
Example: One mother was picking up her child from school, after which they would go pick up her sibling. The first child was really melting down. Was she needing more time alone with her mom? She needed it. She was working really hard at adjusting to her new experience with kindergarten. Roleen asked the mom if she felt she could spare 15 minutes alone with her daughter before going to the next pickup. “I’ve missed you, I’ve missed being just you and me. So I have an idea. I have found this wonderful tree. Let’s go sit under it together.” It wasn’t much, but it was all it took. See if you can think about connecting with TIME (reading a book together; learning or singing a new song; drawing in a journal…) rather than making the connection about toys or things, in which case it could become about “What did you bring me?” The time together is the treat.

Remember that Fairness is not Equal: When you have more than one child, there are different things needed for each and at different times. It’s important to give them what they need individually, not assume you need to do for one what you’ll do for the other. In the case above, the mom was concerned about leaving her other child at the preschool too long when, really, that extra 15 minutes is what her older daughter needed. The little one was fine.

*Siblings

When the older sibling doesn’t want to play with the younger, work it out together:
“Your brother really likes to be with you. We need to figure out what would be a good time for him to be with you, and when can we make it your time for yourself?”
“ It can’t be easy to be 9 and have a 5 yr. old sister who wants to be with you all the time. Let’s figure out what time you can be by yourself.”
“ Maybe we can put that special toy or activity away when your sister is in here? Let’s list all the things that you can do together.”
Give them some power and control where they can have it.
Make it clear that treating each other kindly is important and acknowledge that “You need your space, but you need to treat your brother respectfully. That’s not negotiable in our family.”
You can use dolls or dinosaurs to play out the conflict.
Remember, siblings are supposed to fight. It’s how they negotiate who they are in the world. For children with no siblings, school is the place they do this. Time is key. Talk to your partners to work out when each of you can spend time with each child (but don’t forget to value your time together, too). And the younger sibling needs the older sibling as well, so these things need to be talked about. Alone time and together time.
One parent told of how she would take her older child aside, and have a conversation about how it all works. She’d say, “ This is the physiology of how humans work—your brain is nine years old. Hers is five years younger. You had time to grow, and she needs time to grow, too.”
The most important thing is to create the time. If not right now, then write it down, “This is a great discussion to have later. Let’s make a plan to do that.”
Kids want to know that you “see” them. They want to be noticed (don’t we all?). It isn’t necessarily that they need you to solve their problems. Listening and validating offer a great sense of peace. “ They get me.”

For Power Games that feel disrespectful: You can ask them how they feel, but even if it’s okay with them and it doesn’t feel right to you, you can say, “it may feel okay to you, but I’m feeling uncomfortable. It’s the tone. The way you’re talking doesn’t feel good to me. “
Stop behavior if it feels wrong to your family.
Establish the boundaries.

*Meltdowns

Once it’s happening, it’s chemical, you can’t stop it (and talking during this time definitely doesn’t work). There’s a feeling of being out of control. Lying on the ground can literally make them (and us) feel grounded. You gotta know your child, and what works for them. Some like to be held, others don’t want to be touched. With some, suggesting they spend some time in their room might really calm them, others not. Here, the parents had lots of good ideas for helping their kids calm down.

Example: a Feeling Box. Take a box, and put things in it that your child gets to look at and play with when they’re upset. You can choose some things to put in it, as can they. In one daughter’s box, for example, there was a special fairy doll, and a pack of cards called Self-Calming cards.

A special box can also be used for those times when you won’t be able to give full attention. One family was dealing with the illness of the grandmother. When the doctor would call, the mom would have to take the call, and it would cause distress. So they had a Telephone Box, filled with special things to play with just at those moments.

*Repairing

Here’s the important thing, to repair and re-visit the event sometime after.
Talk about what happened, “ I said something you didn’t like, and you got so upset, and it was very hard. I am going to say things that you don’t like. And when that makes you feel out of control, I need to know how I can help you.”
Write it down. Make a list together of what could help. Write down all their ideas, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. If they don’t have ideas, say you’re going to give them some suggestions. You can tell them what you do to feel better, like writing, or going to the gym. You are helping them learn how to self-regulate. The first thing is they need to be validated for the feelings they are having. Nothing’s worse than being told “ not to feel that way.”
Even if they ended the tantrum by being distracted by humor or playfulness, and all seemed resolved, still re-visit. “Is there still something you would like to talk about? We can talk about it.

Parenting from the Inside Out, by Mary Hartzell and Dan Siegel, has great stuff about this.
The Chocolate Covered Cookie Tantrum (kid’s book).
When Sophie Gets Angry….Really, Really Angry (kid’s book).

Connect with your Partner. One parent spoke of how the tantrums would end up dividing him and his partner as they both tried to navigate the tantrum and their own reactions. They found it made a big difference to really check in and stay connected to each other.

School is still an Adjustment. You may think they’re doing great, and they are, but they are pulling it off. They are working so hard. They are trying to figure out who they are in a group. And they may be having reactions to things that happened earlier in the day that may have seemed like nothing at the time.

*Boundaries

Boundaries are a gift. But we have such unfulfilled feelings from our own childhoods, and discipline that wasn’t good for us. So when we’re put in the role of “disciplinarian” all those unresolved feelings come up. We take things personally and think things should work logically but boundaries are really important. At school they have a consistent routines which offer huge amounts of safety.

Food Rules: It starts with you and your partner having a dialogue about what the boundaries can be in your home. Life is different in different places and different homes. (This documentarian’s personal share: Our son snacks all day, and jumps up from the table to go play. We have been wanting to sit down and eat as a family, and change the rules for snacks so that you have to sit down when you eat. After Coffee with Roleen, we went home to make lunch. We were much more intentional about all sitting down. Our preparation was much better, having everything ready and giving him warning. He sat down happily, and for longer than he ever has, and did the same at dinner. We also tried the idea of passing around an object and the person holding it gets to speak. He loved this. We have done it at all the meals since, and we choose a different object each time. It lasts about 5 minutes, and is a lot of fun. We also were able to change the rule about sitting down when you eat with no problem. )

Talk about Changes: “We’re thinking of sitting down and eating as a family. I loved that when I was growing up. What can we do to make that happen?”

Tools: Have a reachable place for your child’s healthy snacks, so they can get them themselves, and you can decide ahead of time (with them) what goes there.

Pass around an object, a la the Native American “Talking Stick”. Whoever has the object in front of them gets to speak. It could be a stone, or anything.
If your child has a hard time sitting, check out the seating. It may not be comfortable for them: for kids who are “movers”, they seek sensory. Look at chairs like the Stokke, or weighted pillows. You can make these by filling pillows with rice, beans, popcorn seeds,etc. They can put them on their laps to ground them.
There are also Theraband-type bands that you tie around the legs of the chair, that they can rest their feet on which helps them “move” while staying seated.

Include them: When you put something new in place in the house, introduce it to them. How can we expect them to know how to use it or respect it if we just put it there without them being a part of it? You are all a part of the family. Brainstorm ideas when there’s something to figure out. Involve them, i.e. How can we eat together as a family?
Can they set the table?
How can they help you cook?
They are far more capable then we give them credit for. Sometimes, it’s us that need to let go and see that they are changing overnight. Every 6 months there’s a growth spurt. This is about the Image of the Child. We have to get that they can do it. We’re stunned. That’s the piece of it we need to take it in, and we need to keep up.

*Halloween

So, you’ve just gotten them settled into the school year, and here comes Halloween. And then, the holidays are coming. Nothing is typical about this season. Halloween can bring up a lot of fears, and they have been talking about fears at school. A lot of parents mentioned that their kids seem to be having a lot more fears at night…monsters, the dark, etc. They may also be talking about it more, trying it on, seeing what scares them. Instead of avoiding fears, you want to bring them up. If someone is afraid of a dog, you shouldn’t avoid them but you don’t want to give them a big dog to pet, you give them a small stuffed dog, and then a mild little dog, and then…..(exposure therapy). At school we’re bringing out little skeletons, and crawly things to touch and feel. Masks are scary (and are not allowed on our Halloween Parade BTW) because not all children have mastered Object Permanence yet. They still think the mask is real; where did that other person go? Will they be coming back? That’s why bringing masks into the classroom for the children to explore at their own will is important. They have the control to work through their feelings as they need, on their own time clock. By putting the mask on and off themselves and using mirrors to support the exploration, they can be a part of their world and the world around them.

When they are having a specific fear: “ There’s some feelings that you are having. Tell me more, what do you think will help?”
Write down their ideas. For example, one parent said his daughter was afraid of the books in her room. What are some things we could do? Which books? Can we take them out of the room? (think, too, about the possibility that because the seasonal light is changing, what they’re seeing may not be about the books at all but rather about the shadows the books are casting).
It’s important not to avoid these fears, but to find ways to work through them. At school, for example, in the Light Room in the West Wing, all the children are exploring darkness by controlling it with flashlights. You want the library of all these experiences to be happening.
Children just want to make sure you’re there to facilitate whatever feelings they’re having. You don’t need to go to a dark place about it. You can keep it positive. Roleen gave an example of a father and son who was nervous when he was just starting school. He described the feeling in his stomach as “butterflies. “They’re trying to figure out where they are. And soon, when they start to figure it out, the butterflies will settle down.”

Read: There are two articles on the blog under Articles, about Scariness and Fears.
Tool: Monster spray, etc. ( we have lavender oil and water in a spray bottle that we can spray in our son’s room at night.)
Back to Standard Time: The school will send out a notice about the time change (the last weekend of the month) to prepare you and your child about the changing light. It may be darker for you at pick up time. It may seem like you’re late.

*Images of Families

The final discussion was about the images of parents in books, and the lack of good books about our diverse families. Even the images of Moms and Dads in books are stereotypical, with the moms being the nurturers, and the Dads being silly. And where are the great books about two dads and two moms that don’t feel like a “lesson”? Make yourself aware of dated references (such as fireman vs. firefighter…) and let us know about any great books out there.

More good resources:
Powerful Children by Ann Lewin-Benham
The Blessings of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey
Just Tell Me What To Say and You’re Not the Boss of Me by Betsy Brown Braun (who also has a great blog.)

The next Coffee with Roleen is scheduled for November 16th at Michael and Jeff’s (Imonie’s dads) house.