I was sent a fantastic “Ask Roleen” question this week and I thought it a perfect opportunity to reach out to two of my ECE colleagues for their answers to this family dilemma.
Barbara Pollandis “Bapa” to Sadie (morning WW) but to me, she’s an ECE mentor who’s become a dear friend. Google her name to see all the books she’s written but better yet, say “hi” to her when she comes to pick up Sadie. I think Gramma is her favorite role.
Betsy Brown Braun has been consulting with families and children for a long time. I first met her when she was a director at one of our local Jewish schools and we became kindred spirits quickly. Her latest book Just Tell Me What To Say is one that I wish I would have written. What I love about the two responses is the reality that there is no one answer.
Dear Roleen, Our daughter is very captivated by Santa and the idea of Xmas gifts delivered to our house while she’s sleeping. While I relish the fantasy that she imagines this magical occurrence, we want her to embrace her experience of Hanukkah, being Jewish. We know this is developmental and will change as she grows older yet while honoring her imagination, it seems that she feels she’s missing something by not celebrating Xmas in all its commercial glory.
Does Santa come to homes of Jewish children? Why doesn’t he?
Signed, hapless
Barbara says:
Thank you for posing such important thoughts and questions. Clearly, every family needs to make their own decisions on what feels appropriate. It really is okay for your daughter to “. . . feel she is missing something.” You simply need to be matter of fact-ly clear about what your family does and doesn’t celebrate. If you haven’t made a decision, then perhaps some of the following thoughts will be helpful.
Santa is omnipresent, truly unavoidable throughout the season.
He can arrive at the home of any child whose parents will allow his presence/presents. Children will not be less Jewish if they are given a few years to believe in Santa.
The supposed magical qualities of Santa can be a delightful part of childhood. Soon enough they begin to ask doubting questions like, “Why is there a different Santa in every mall?” “Which one is the real one?” “How could Santa come down a chimney, wouldn’t he get stuck?” “How does Santa know what everyone wants?” and ultimately, “Isn’t it impossible for Santa to go to every child’s house on the same night?” We can answer with questions like, “Do you think it’s possible?” “You come up with the best questions.” and “Why do you think children love the idea of Santa so much?”
If a child persists and we tell them Santa isn’t real or simple answer their questions honestly- we need to tell them not to spoil the magic for children who still believe. Assure them that eventually everyone finds out their parents play Santa.
If we do or don’t temporarily incorporate Santa into our family, it is important to find special ways to celebrate Hanukkah. There are multitudes of ways to help our children feel proud to be Jewish-the most important is to be proud ourselves.
Betsy says:
As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays change. This includes learning that different people celebrate different holidays in different ways—Christmas,
Chanukah, Kwanzaa to name just three. It is well within the range of normal development for children to want for their own anything and everything that appeals to them. With all the trappings of Christmas so prevalent, it is not unusual for a Jewish child to want to claim trees and lights and Santa. Knowing that lots of Jewish families have this experience, I offer the following tips.
· Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.
· Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment. Life is filled with times when we can’t “have it all”. Understanding that and giving your child the opportunity to reflect those feelings and help them process coping skills is a gift. It will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a life long lesson.
· Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are “missing out” on something. Rather, be creative in your celebration of Chanukah, creating all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidle night; a baking night; a game night; a making gifts for others night; a party night; and a few gift nights, too.) But don’t make up for the lack of Christmas by giving a gift every night. It only creates an insatiable thirst for getting more stuff.
· Teach about Chanukah and tell the exciting story of the oil that lasted 8 days. Do science experiments with fire and oil and candles. There’s magic in the story!
· Make the holiday season more about give you than gimme. Give your child the gift of experiencing the good feelings that go along “giving” rather than “getting”. (that includes Dad and Mom) participates. Make lists of people to whom you want to give gifts, especially thinking about people who might not expect to receive them(the crossing guard, the school janitor, etc..). Create surprise coupons to give that are favors or jobs you will do for others. The list is endless!
Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can get yourselves invited to a friends’ house to trim their tree. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek as you smell the delicious trees. You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.