NOTES FROM A “COFFEE WITH ROLEEN”
OCTOBER 23, 2013
“Coming Together, Preparing in Advance, Passing Through, the Pragmatics of Language, Play, Princesses
A strong dozen or so parents gathered at Emmett’s house (of Maya and Doug Shemer) on a Wednesday morning, happily munching and sipping, laughing and sharing, and above all learning from Roleen, and from each other. The meeting, as always, included a windfall of highly practical wisdom. Here are some of the highlights.
— When they come home they can be maniacs. School is BIG, a lot of rules, a lot of intuition, a lot of learning… they NEED to fall apart somewhere, and this will often (and typically) be at home.
— A mom described a scene from just that morning, a wonderful sunrise walk with her son to get a snack, and when they got back it was meltdown city. Roleen points out that this transformation is absolutely appropriate developmentally, he’s upset that the special time with his mom has to end and this is how he communicates that. She suggests taking a moment BEFORE the transition to talk about and validate the amazing time they shared and also to paint a picture a bit of what’s to come. This is modeling how to STOP doing something. Reflection Meeting at school functions in this way — a time set aside to share thoughts and ideas about an experience, and then to get ready for the next thing.
— Preparing children for what’s to come was a topic discussed at length. One mom said she preps her son in the morning about what’s for dinner that night, and this makes the whole thing go easier down the road. This is a COMING TOGETHER with your child, which is critical emotionally for them. Another example of coming together is to revisit a hard moment later. “I don’t want that to happen again, let’s make a plan for next time.” It’s a positive connection. And positive connections mean that they won’t be as likely to engineer a connection negatively, by acting out.
— Reminder: sometimes a tension we feel to be about them may in fact be more about us, what we want, such as trying to force too much fun into a day.
— Don’t ask a question to which you already know the answer, like about the day if you already have it planned. Great questions to ask are “How do you see that going?” “What are your ideas?”
–They don’t show gratitude! Yes, they are egocentric at this age, and they must be. There are ways to talk reflectively, though. “Did you notice that it was so great today?” “You said that thing and it was so funny!” etc. And at 4 or 5 they have an instinctive need to save face — so don’t set them up to “lie”. Instead of “Did you take that?” try something like “You have that…. we should put it back.”
–BOOK RECOMMENDATION (from Roleen): “Theories of Childhood: An Introduction to Dewey, Montessori, Erikson, Piaget & Vygotsky”, by Carol Garhart Mooney. A survey of classic theories of brain development, social development, stages of maturity, etc. The school library has two copies that you can check out.
–Another good one: “I know you wish hadn’t done that.” (pushed your brother, whatever).
–Natural consequences are best — for example, not time out, but instead “you have to take care of your brother.”
–Sharing…Do siblings always have to share? Do you always share? The truth is that children WANT to share, if you can find a way to let them do it themselves. They want to be given the time to finish and then find their own moment to share. Roleen reflects that the kindest people she knows in life are those that have been given TIME…. time to go back to things…. time to love and be loved, time to speak, time to be heard, etc… And for the person who’s waiting, it’s about practicing the skill of waiting. “It’s hard to wait, isn’t it? What do you want to do while you’re waiting?” First: validate. Second: do something about it. (These two basic steps, which can be used in a thousand situations, Roleen described today as “PASSING THROUGH” the sticky moment. Which is to say: address the moment directly, then make an action, or a plan of action, to move beyond it.)
–Family Meetings… For persistent and recurring issues, family meetings are a wonderful and effective tool. “Hurting each other physically or emotionally is not ok. Here are some of our values as a family. What are your ideas?” Coming together…
–Often children act out in some way because they are sorting out who they are in a situation. If a cousin comes to visit and the grandmother suddenly is splitting time between two kids, the first child might act negatively because her usual role has been shaken up. She needs validation of who she (still) is, and a plan of action, best agreed on prior to the event. “Your cousin is going to come. Last time it was uncomfortable to share your toys. Are there one or two things that are the most special that you really don’t want to share? WHAT IF she wants to play with your doll? Let’s make a plan. And let’s write it down….”
–Big, huge feelings and words…. I hate you! I don’t want you to be my mommy! These are important things for them to say. Let them have an emotion that’s really clear. Pass through it: “You’re really mad. I’m mad, too. You’re mad because I did that. You can tell me how it feels, it’s ok.” Give them real, more appropriate words. This is the Pragmatics of Language — if they have the language, then they can DO things. Then model transition, too. “I’m going to take a few breaths, you take a few breaths, and then we’ll come back together.” If the escalation continues, look at the environment, maybe something changeable in the environment is causing it.
–“You love him more than me.” Try getting really specific in your response to this one. “Let me tell you what I love about you.” LIST the things.
–A favorite quote: “When children, and not TEACHING children, becomes important, then real learning happens.”
–BOOK RECOMMENDATION (from a parent): “Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too”, by Adele Faber
–Swear words… Instead of making this a teachable moment, think about just being honest about our reaction. “When you say that it brings up feelings for me I don’t like. I don’t want to hear it. Tell me how you feel in a different way.”
–Guns, and play in general… The problem is if one person is not playing the game, or is overpowered by it. Writing down the rules can help. Guns are a hot topic, and it certainly is about remembering what are our values as a family, and then not being afraid to communicate these values to others who may not have identical values. We are afraid to be honest, we keep it inside, we don’t know how to say it. When talking with other parents, for example, the answer often may be in communicating honestly in a way that is not an attack. Pass through it.
–“Gendered” play… Materials can be the crossover between genders. This is practiced at school. Not just boy stuff in the building area. Not just girl stuff in the house area. Open these things up to everyone.
–Princesses… Be aware of the media, they provide exact roles for princesses that do not relate to a child’s own life, and in this way can close off imagination. If you can tie it into your own lives, then they can really get creative, not just imitating something they’ve seen somewhere. If it’s a genuine interest there are so many ways to really go for it, make it personal. You can go and buy materials, beautiful fabrics, anything, sew stuff, MAKE SOMETHING, make your OWN princess story.
–Read books before you read them to your children. There are a lot of expected surprises in kid’s books…
–Baby talk… Set a time for it. And a duration. Have a discussion and come to an agreement, not forgetting that YOU are part of the discussion, too. Make a plan.
–One more time: Validate them first, report the situation, listen to them. Then ADD to it, make a plan. The validation is different than agreeing with them, it’s just noticing what’s happening. And if you attend to this first step, they’ll be better able to hear what you have to add. Wouldn’t you?