COFFEE WITH ROLEEN AT THE MESSINA HOUSEHOLD 4/16
As the group gathered in a room overlooking the beach, pecking at the amazing line-up Kristen laid out before us—fresh squeezed orange juice, frittata, strawberries–conversation turned to the bane of modern family existence: technology.
“Help, we have a situation,” a parent lamented. “My child has a tantrum before and after watching a show. What do we do?”
As usual, Roleen rolled out sage advice. “We gather together and say, ‘We have a situation in our family we have to address. And we have to figure out some way to make this work for our family.”
As is often the case at these coffees, a parent comes to the rescue with just the answer the audience is looking for.
Kristen says, “This happened in our family, and we made a calendar. My parameters were that there had to be two days without a television and he had to choose either the morning or the evening on the days that he would watch.
We made the calendar for a month and put a sun for morning and moon for evening. Every day, he’d say, ‘Let’s look at he calendar.’
My one piece of advice is don’t ever sway from the calendar.
Another parent brought up the issue of video games and how to negotiate them when one parent thinks they are valuable and the other doesn’t.
A particularly annoying thing to this parent is that one partner allowed videogames while eating breakfast.
Roleen felt this was an appropriate time to place a limit as eating is a social environment.
We agreed to do research on the topic of videogames as there is ample evidence supporting restraint and evidence suggesting videogames can have some positive benefits, like improving hand/eye coordination.
A parent suggested another strategy, like having a project prepare for them, like needlepoint or coloring.
Roleen’s sage advice about video games was, again, moderation. If they’re working eight hours a day at school, will 20 minutes of video screen time damage their brains? Probably not.
But we all know how those twenty minutes can turn into an hour if we’re trying to have a conversation with another adult.
Another parent brought up the difficulty of saying no to her children about television when the partner watches it all the time.
Roleen suggested talking about this as a couple. “What does it mean when you say, “No TV,” and then he sees us watching TV? We need to clarify this because it sounds like a mixed message. They see our behaviour as a model. No matter what we say, it’s what he sees that makes a difference.
Again, Roleen emphasized that children are not trying to be manipulative in order to get what they want, it’s their job is to get their needs met. Often not in a positive way. It’s up to us to stand firm to the boundaries we set. “This is our decision. We’re going to follow through with this.”
Kristen had another solution to big tantrums over screentime. “It seems like this is a sort of upset. If this causes that, we won’t do this for awhile. After two weeks of no TV, Luca said, ‘I don’t think this will cause an upset.’ And then he was better.
Roleen again brought up the point of needing to know personality of your child. Just like when you’re leaving town. Some kids need a month. Other kids need 12 hours.
For some kids, a little bit is too much.
Dominique made a request for the video makers out there. Could you make 5 minutes content so that kids could watch a whole show in 5 minutes!
One parent mentioned that if the parents aren’t in agreement, their child is like water and will find a way to make what she wants to happen, happen.
Roleen says that without agreement, you give different messages as to what’s possible. We give them the idea that when things are different, the rules change.
Again, Roleen reminded us that kids use negative behavior to get what they want. With a calendar, you give the kid the ability to see their rewards.
There is a lot of talk about a four foot, indoor trampoline that allows kids to get their energy out. Whoever has more information about this contraption, please share!
Roleen brought up the importance of check-ins between parents, at least once a week.
One parent mentioned how long email chains of things couples need to discuss is a good idea because the tone is neutral and there is less chance of selective listening.
A parent brings up the brilliant observation that “It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who’s not you.”
“When things are going well, I don’t want to check-in, but when things are really bad, I don’t want to check in either.”
Roleen asked her mom if she was ever worried or afraid. “All the time,” her mom said. You want to be in a place where you don’t want your kids to know all the emotions that go through your life.
Your children have the right to have their life. And not be worried about you.
They do think the world is about them.
KRIS: What do you do when progressive parenting and respect for elders collide?
ROLEEN: Modeling of respect isn’t necessarily taught. You honor respect . He’s questioning the boundaries of what it is.
Sometimes they do things without thinking first and then they’re in it. They have to “save face” That’s why they lie or cover up. Their job is that they’re embarrassed and that they have to save face. Once they’re in it, they can’t get out.
You can also set up consequences.
Sometimes we say, “This is not okay to speak with your father like that.” But we’re still talking to them about it. Our impulse is, “I’m going to talk about it until I convince you.”
Dominique gives the suggestion: ”I’m not okay with that. I’m walking a way for a bit. That’s upsetting for me.”
Roleen says it’s about getting to the place of respect. Not shaming them.
ROLEEN: We’re always on that fine line of how we want to discipline as we remember because there’s so much shame in the discipline.
Their job is to mess with their world to figure it out.
They’re supposed to play out the bad habits to see what happens.
You’re going to be very frightened of the influences of other people.
“How does it feel to play those things out?”
One parent says her child participated in some unsavory behavior and he said, “It was ‘Billy’s’ idea.”
“If it was ‘Billy’s’ idea, then what could you have told him?”
We can ask, “How can I support respect? How are we going to work together on this one because this didn’t work. “
This is bigger than respecting the family. It’s respecting other people and the world
ROLEEN: This behavior is not acceptable.
Roleen ends the session by referencing Mind in the Making: How do we support focus and critical thinking?
As a parent, you are the architect of your child’s brain.
You’re pruning synapses through the behavior you model and encourage.
It’s very important to connect the right brain and the left brain. When your child is emotionally charged, you need an empathetic response.
Make an emotional connection first. Then you can guide them from there to a logical response. That creates synapses that connect the right and left part of the brain.